Abominable Snowman Comes to Town, Yeti Can't Leave (Get It?)

The Abominable Snowman was found wandering the streets of New Jersey early this morning seemingly confused and unsure of whether or not he should be heading back to his summer home in the arctic. Several animal control teams were dispatched to subdue the creature, but he escaped into a snow bank and blended in to his surroundings.

Several hours later he was spotted again and captured with a large net.

When questioned about why he was in the area he replied, "URGHHH, UGHH, RACHHHHHE, ahem, I was enjoying my vacation here, when suddenly all of these goons with nets and stun guns came after me. I'm not sure if this is how you treat your tourists in New Jersey but I'm never coming back again."

Coincidentally, it is exactly how New Jersey tourists are treated.

Mr. Snowman is being detained in a holding cell under the authority of Homeland Security while they decide whether or not he is a terrorist threat. He will be kept for further questioning until the end of the day when he will leave on flight #458 to Alaska where he will continue his trek home on foot through parts of Canada and eventually return back to the North Pole.

He seemed none too happy about the fact that he would be forced to postpone a luncheon with Santa Claus and told authorities that they would be hearing from his lawyer.

Some locals who witnessed the daring capture chimed in with their own opinions.

One man said, "These damn foreigners are all alike, come into our country and think they can walk around with impunity, I say he got what he deserved. Imagine if I just went to England or France and walked around their streets acting like I should be able to wander without being harassed by them. What's gotten into tourists these days?"

Others were more accepting, such as a prostitute who saw him earlier in the day, "He's just a big, hairy guy checking out the sites. Who cares if he wants to spend a little money in our neck of the woods. Its probably the best customer I've had in ages and my god was he packing heat. He nearly cut me in two. Why can't more men be like mythical beasts?"

In this age of racial equality, it is a real eye opener to see that there is still much prejudice in the world. If a common street whore can see that not all hairy arctic dwellers are terrorists, then the authorities should be able to understand the same.

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Informant to Kill You, Your Family

Due to the incredible volume of hate mail we have received (one vocal berating), the informant was forced to temporarily close its doors and stop its presses in order to process the pure disgust that it has brought about in a person and rethink its policies. In doing so we have come up with several new ideas that we think will make this blog a better place to visit and read.

1) We will stop caring what other people think.

2) We will eat the soul of anyone who tries to stop us from taking over the world.
3) We will accept large donations as long as they are not, "of poop."
4) We will kill you and your family for chuckles.
5) Die, die, die, die, die.

Thank you for your interest and keep reading, it gets funnier, I think.

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Stromboli Used to Bludgeon Restaurant Owner

A pizza shop owner was beaten to death with a Stromboli today while trying to get the most out of his workers. The owner, one Luigi Calamari, told his delivery driver that he'd need him to work again at night after a long shift in heavy snows. The driver, Richard Shuler then picked up the nearest thing he could find, a piping hot Stromboli and began beating the owner about the face and chest with it.



Though the brutal thrashing took nearly 1 and a half hours to complete, no one called the cops or even complained. Two workers in the back, Emanuel Lopez and Esteban Gomez stood by and watched the whole thing, allegedly with smiles on their faces. They then picked up the exhausted Shuler and carried him around singing something presumably Mexican and celebratory.



From prison Shuler seemed contrite saying, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to kill him, only to make him stop being such an asshole. I wish I could have just put him in a hospital for the rest of his life so he could suffer for years and have a shell of an existence."



The business will be picked up by Calamari's twin, Giorgio, who is identical in every way except possibly more evil. It is suspected that Giorgio will be abducting little boys and terrorizing employees in no time.



The maximum penalty for murder of a restaurant owner is five days.



A local judge, when asked why it was such a short incarceration said, "Because they are all worthless bastards who don't deserve real justice," he went on to say, "Especially the Italian ones."



It is unknown whether Shuler will continue to work at the restaurant, but it is expected that he will not, though the Mexican workers in the back have erected a shrine made of pizza dough to honor their triumphant hero.

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Getting Smack without Getting Stabbed

Due to the recent wave of local knife stabbings, people have become uneasy about buying their heroine in the area. While several addicts report a lower incidence of stabbings happen when the purchaser actually has the money to pay his (or her) "motherfuckin dealer," many are still not convinced that they are safe.



There are several ways to make buying drugs safer.



One way is to use the buddy system. Don't go into your local crack house alone, that makes you look like an easy target for a pleasurable murder. Instead, bring a friend with you to your place of shady, dangerous dealings so you can both experience the terror of not knowing if you'll come back out alive.



Another method is to bring a gun. This method is slightly less preferred because it can very easily cause escalation in which you will be shot several hundred times by many of the area's all star dealers. They may not be very smart but they will shoot you in the face with a gat.



If neither of those ideas sound like a good plan, or won't work, try learning the ancient art of ninjitsu. Then go dressed as a ninja and demand your heroin. It is a well known fact that drug dealers are terrified of ninjas and will obey those who know the mystical teachings without question. When you have procured the smack do a ninja vanish, this will leave them disoriented and in most instances unable to remember what just happened.



If you're a woman, wearing skimpy clothing will get you out alive, but most likely not the same. Instance of rape goes up about 4 million percent from outside to inside a crack house. So remember ladies, dress like a dude unless you like multiple forced penetration and sticky hair.



There are several ways to get around a stabbing, but the most important thing to remember is never run into a place screaming, "ITS THE COPS EVERYBODY RUN, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, GET THE FUCK OUT!!!! I'LL HOLD 'EM OFF FOR AS LONG AS I CAN," then steal their shit. I tried it once...shot twice through the leg...not a good feeling.



Whether you try these methods or develop your own remember, drugs are addictive, but so is...I can't remember, I'm way too high.

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Avian Flew...(South)...(Maybe)...(In the Future)...(Shut up)

With the cold of the winter upon us, many local birds aren't sure whether to go south for the next three weeks or just wait it out. Many of the birds stuck around through the incredibly mild winter and now just can't decide if they should leave the nest for the yearly trip to warmer climates.



We interviewed a goose family, who, through an interpreter*, seemed polarized on the subject. Father goose said, "Well, I'm getting old and its only like 2 or 3 more weeks of the cold and then it starts warming up again, we'd have to come back as soon as we got there. Going south is expensive, especially since we've had kids."



Baby goose was of a different mind saying, "Mom and dad promised we could go to Disney World and poop on people this year, they always promise us something and then we don't do it. We were supposed to poop on people's heads at Mardi Gras in 2005 but did that happen? Nooooo."



Whether or not these geese do decide to fly home, one thing is for certain, they won't have an easy time doing it. There are more airplanes in the air now than ever before and birds flying into the engines of them have accounted for more bird deaths in the last two years than bird flu and crossing the street combined**.



Whatever these birds decide to do, its a rough road for such a small payoff, if I were them I think I'd just drive south, but I guess you need hands for that. Oh well...fuck 'em.













*- Imaginative intern who made a bunch of stuff up.

**- Not a real statistic.

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Location Changes, Informant Stays on its Game

Its been a strange few days at the Informant, what with terrorists taking over the building and whatnot. We have all been supplanted to a temporary cardboard box in which we will create our works of social uplift for the next few weeks, not the best working environment, I know. But, the show must go on.



A local bum who lives next door to my cubicle asked me for some change today, I told him I had no change. He knew that I was lying by the change jingle that he heard emanating from my pocket. When I said I needed it for coffee from the local Starbucks he became angry and demanded that he was starving. I think we all know that bums only use money for booze, and I don't support that.



He proceeded to yell at me for not understanding what it was like to live on the street, "Sure you work here," he said, "but living in a box, that's a whole different ball game. When you can't sleep without worrying about somebody murdering you, that doesn't help you to live. I like blue things but sometimes blue just ain't my color you know?"



I feel so bad for this guy, I think maybe I'll help him out by murdering him in his sleep then tossing the body into a nearby river.



In other news, the secretary has a banana on his head, we have been discussing whether or not to tell him, but he's ugly so we'll probably all just laugh at him for a while until he notices...



This alley has great real estate potential and its a buyer's market in here. About 20 cubic feet of space make it plenty for an office or bum home and the prices are very reasonable, get shanked once and live and its all yours, they don't bother you much after that. Speaking of which I think I'd better visit the hospital at the end of the day, I'm getting kind of dizzy from all the blood I'...m....loseuwfhirr

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True Americans Kill Themselves for the Cause

A local newspaper was overrun by Islamic fundamentalists today...........



We call on all pure blooded Americans to throw themselves from the top of tall buildings and bomb their own houses. If you are not a true American you will resist doing these things. When you die you will go to a burning pit of fire and anguish, this is to be your reward.



If you wish to become a true Muslim believer, too bad. Approach this building and you will be shot on site unless you appear Middle Eastern, in which case, welcome to the cause brother.



American industry has destroyed the delicate balance of power in the world and it must be set right. Kill your neighbors and then yourselves to create a utopia, Muhammad will thank you for it.



Jihad is the only true answer to the worlds problems. Osama Bin Laden forever!!!



Capitalist dogs must surrender or face the wrath of car bombs and hand grenades. The American pigs must die in painful and agonizing ways.



Your women will be kept for raping and slaving. They will grow to love their new life, just as our women do, or we will shoot them in the face. We might even do that anyway.



There will be no tomorrow.



Tomorrow's Top Headline: Local Newspaper Explodes.

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College Students Fight Hate Crimes, With Bats

Students at a local college gathered in a campus park today to protest a rash of hate crimes that has spread across the university like wildfire. The more than 200 people in attendance were somewhat taken aback when the speaker said, "We need to fight fire with fire, so we are going to pass out free Louisville Sluggers, when you see someone acting intolerant, you make them wish they were never so bigoted. There's only one way to stop this inhumanity that has been going on around here and we need to use the only means these people understand...face smashing."

While face smashing has been going on since time immemorial, it has never been fully explored as a means of quelling violence. Many students, after getting over the initial shock of such an innovative idea, were intrigued.

"I think this new plan could work," said an anonymous protester, "It's a good way to connect, physically and emotionally with the face of hate. If we all band together and beat the shit out of people who have wrong beliefs we can fully stamp out prejudice and intolerance."

When the speaker was finished, he held one of the bats above his head and shouted out to the crowd, "We will no longer be afraid to walk the streets of this town, because we have bats and justified anger!" The mob was pleased.

After the initial speech, several kegs were tapped and the event turned into a raucous party with several girls who at some points were going wild. Naked breasts and being drunk on power, as well as beer proved to be too much for several of the young men to handle as they started clubbing each other with their new weapons of righteousness in order to impress their lady friends. The girls were not amused and several walked away to a secluded corner of the park where it can only be assumed they performed various hot lesbian actions upon each other.

Though it is impossible to say exactly what effect putting bats in the hands of young, easily convinced college students will be on impeding violence, it is possible to say, probably not a good one. That's why we don't have impressionable college kids running the country or we'd be going around giving people like Iraq or Afghanistan guns and bombs willy nilly...Dammit.

Online Poker Player Burns Down Own House in Fit of Rage

An amateur online poker player burned his own house down today after taking several bad beats at the hands of his cyberspace nemesis 'the_river_rat.' The player in question John Scaliglio or 'pwning_aces,' as he is known in the world of online gambling was at the end of a grueling 12 hour session when he was taunted by a player who had beaten him on the river seven hands in a row.

"It was just too much, I snapped. He's lucky this wasn't a live game or I probably would have reached over the table and snapped his neck," Scalio said later in an interview.

The_river_rat reportedly was, "bragging about how he was such a great poker player and telling [Scaglio] how bad [he] was. He kept hitting the tiniest percentage cards imaginable...he's just a donkey, he sucks, and I kept getting sucked out on...its not fair."

Scalilo then began hurling insults at his opponent aimed at his manhood and family. Some examples from context were, "I fucked your wife in the ass last night...then she sucked me off while I ate out your daughter," and, "I hope you are killed by drowning in a wave of penises at penis high tide so you can finally see what one looks like you cockless fucker."

Eventually the rat was unable to take the insults anymore so he signed off, which prompted Scales to fly off the handle and set his house on fire along with the neighbors' shed, presumably because he didn't have his own shed to burn.

The police say they completely understand where he's coming from, they've had nights like that. As a completely unrelated side note, the cops in the area allow an illegal gambling ring to continue to operate as long as they can play and get sizable kickbacks in the form of hookers and booze. They also received matching tote bag/underwear sets.

While I don't not condone gambling of any kind, I find it completely immoral and socially unacceptable for a man to be tortured mentally in the way that Scalaningnang was, therefore I issue the following challenge to the rat, stop playing so shittily, your ridiculous luck can't last forever. Inversely, if it does last forever, give me money, I need to get one of those fully automated sex dolls and I can't afford it.

Man Thinks He's God, God is Unamused

A local burnt out hippie caused an uproar in a church today when he decried the teachings of the priest giving mass and posited that he was the actual God and that the priest was promoting a fraud. The man, who's only identification was a 10 year expired library card, was arrested for disrupting the peace and sacrilege outside the doors. While sacrilege is not actually a crime, police on the scene were quoted as saying, "No one is gonna miss this tree hugger anyway, might as well tack on as many charges as we can."

The man, who's name is Woodrow Johnston, is being kept without bail. He was heard to say, "This is an outrage, I'm God, I could just walk out of here anytime I want to...but that's against my will. I want to talk to my lawyer!...Wait...do I have a lawyer?...Wait...why am I here again?"

It is assumed he was smoking large amounts of marijuana and perhaps had even eaten some magic mushrooms before going on his tirade. In interviews with people who were in the church at the time, the tone was overwhelmingly aggravated, partly shocked, and slightly gassy.

A man who asked to remain anonymous said, "If that guy is God, I'll eat my shoe. He thinks that just because he's wearing sandals he's like Jesus? His long hair makes him my savior? Just because everyone persecutes him he's a deity now? C'mon, it takes more than that, where's his white robe? Where's the water into wine? I mean, sure I'm a recovering alcoholic, but if God turned water into wine for me I'd get wasted." He then farted.

The police at the scene were cheered on as they clubbed Johnston about the head for a good 15 minutes with batons and eventually resorted to kicking him in the side. They then told him to regain consciousness immediately so he could be taken to prison, when he refused, they used a stun gun on him several times.

Through spokesman, the Reverend Al Sharpton, God showed his disapproval, "God is very displeased with this outburst, in a house of Him no less. Was it not Him who said, 'You will have no other Me's before Me?' Was it not Him who used a golden calf to show how gold has hypnotizing powers? Was it not Him who killed Bowser on the third level?! Wait a minute...where was I? Anyway, He's pissed."

After several minutes of confusion the crowd roared an approving, "AMEN BROTHER!"

In the meantime, Johnston awaits trial and is expected to receive four consecutive life sentences for being such a dirty hippy. As for God, he continues to rule with an iron fist striking down wives and mothers, fathers and sons, dogs and cats with reckless abandon. I guess the good thing about being King of the Universe is never having to apologize.

Crack Laced with Arsenic Kills When Taken Incorrectly

An unsuspecting innocent young man was killed yesterday when the crack he was smoking turned out to be laced with copious amounts of arsenic. He was visiting his local pusher and enjoying a little bit of "the good stuff" when he began to gag and realized that something was terribly wrong. Arsenic is a poison usually only used to poison megalomaniacal generals and dictators, "...arsenic has been called the Poison of Kings and the King of Poisons." (Wikipedia, Arsenic article), there have been no reported arsenic poisonings since Napoleon...that anyone cares about.

The young man's name cannot be divulged because he was 12, but good friends say he's been smoking for at least nine or ten years.

A friend of the boy's known only as "Bullet" said, "Yeah maybe I'm 37 and I shouldn't be hanging out with a 12 year old kid. Maybe I should quit smokin' crack. Maybe I should stop blowing dudes for quarters, maybe I shouldn't kill people on the street in broad daylight, but lets be real, that shit ain't gonna happen. [Censored] was a good kid, ain't that some shit, for a motherfucker to be sellin' poison crack, everybody always tells me to stop puttin' that poison in me. What my boy smoked was the fuckin' poison." Bullet then pulled out his dual gats clicked them together and proclaimed, "The hunt is on motherfuckers, I'm comin' for you!" As he was running across the street he was struck and killed by an SUV.

When I talked to the boy's dealer, Dikembe Mutumbo (no relation to the basketball player) he tried to play it cool saying, "Yeah I killed the motherfucker. He was eyein' my lady friend [$3 hooker]. I don't take that kinda shit from no midget...he was what?...he was 12? Sheeit, I thought he was just short, oops. Ain't nobody gonna miss that little crackhead anyway, he was in here ten, maybe fifteen times a week, couldn't believe his little heart kept up as long as it did."

When asked if he thought it would affect his business, Mutumbo answered, "Nah, crackheads don't read the damn news."

There you have it, a little boy, fighting a decade old crack addiction succumbs to arsenic poisoning. A story that grows slightly less tragic every time we hear it. There is a lesson to be learned here and that is, always have a crack dealer you can trust, some of those motherfuckers are shady.

Bush's State of the Union Address Leaves President Exhausted and Unable to "Think Anymore" for Several Hours

President Bush gave his annual State of the Union Address yesterday and boy is his brain tired. He talked about several important issues including health care, education, climate change (or as he likes to call it "The Apocalypse"), and of course the war in Iraq, which is really more of a glorified king of the hill game now (wherein to become the king of the hill you have to kill the kid that's on top).

In terms of health care, Bush commented that in order to help ebb the tide of rising health care costs we as a nation would have to, "Band together like a giant rubber band, or some type of really long and tough rope that would stop us from falling apart." He went on to say how we, "need to remain a healthy country if we want to be able to fight more heathens in the future." And implored Americans to, "eat plenty of salads to counteract all the McDonalds food that makes you fly if you eat enough of it." Ronald McDonald then walked onto the stage and handed the president a sack with a "$" sign on it.

In a later interview, Ronald was quoted as saying, "He's right, our stuff's just like magic pixie dust, just slightly higher in calories."

On the education front Bush cemented his intentions of following up his "No Child Left Behind" program with a "No Child Left in Class" policy in which local schools would simply stop trying to teach children who aren't geniuses. About this policy he commented, "We only need the smartest and best looking boys and girls to go to school, the rest we can just throw into the army and send 'em to Iraq where we really need help."

One of the biggest issues in the coming year as far as Bush was concerned is the end of the world. The unseasonably warm winter has gotten him into a prophesying mood, he says the Rangnarok should be arriving in 8-10 months depending on the moon beams in Elysium. Whether or not Bush is actually certifiably insane remains to be seen, but he certainly seems to tread that ledge with a tightrope walker's skill doesn't he folks?

Last but not least on his agenda was Iraq. He went on for several hours about how the war on terror is just begining and we can't lose sight of what's important. I blacked out after a few minutes because of a condition I have where I can't listen to the same thing said by the same person more than 147 times within a six year span. When I came to he was talking about how sending 20,000 more troops to Iraq was going to help them keep order. He referred back to his education program to show exactly where these new recruits would come from.

The fact that he was giving the State of the Union address in front of a Democratically controlled congress did not seem to faze the President who looked out over the audience in the begining of his speech and said, "Looking out over this crowd I see a lot of new faces and new faces mean fresh new ideas. I don't want to give ya'll the impression that I'll listen to your ideas or [stifled laughter] implement them, but I appreciate that you have them because it makes it better to defy you when you have something you care about."

Bush concluded the address by saying, "I just want to say one more thing...for anyone who thinks they can mess with America, they can't and do you know why?....I said, DO YOU KNOW WHY???...Seriously I'm asking if you know why, I can't remember anymore."

That's the President for you, why do we need a thinker when we've got an actor? It worked for Reagan. Keep going with your gut Georgie, we need you now more than tomorrow.


For the Actual SOU Address click here
New Zealand Herald Article
8 Reactions from US citizens in BBC News

Vote Hillary: She Parties Hardy

Former first lady, Hillary Clinton announced recently that she will run for President in 2008. While this news was not shocking, several comments made by her were completely unexpected. A visibly drunk Clinton started out her first press conference by saying, "I just want everyone to know that my husband is not the only one who can get secretaries to fuck him, when I win the Presidency I'll have those whores taking it in a lot more uncomfortable places than the mouth." She went on to discuss exactly where and how hard they would be taking it.

Throughout the speech she would complain about being hot and remove an article of clothing. As she removed the clothes she would swing them around above her head and then toss them out into the crowd, to the audience's great dismay. Her stockings, she slingshotted a good 25 feet into the open mouth of Alec Baldwin, who was there to lend support to her cause. He then became visibly aroused. By the end she was wearing nothing but a bra and crotchless panties.

After her initial speech she took questions from the crowd. When asked how she could make such a mockery of the country at a time when it is so desperately in need of change, she took a swig from her handy hip flask, then answered, "I cuh care less abow the country's strugglesss, i juss wanna kiss you." To which the reporter replied, "No, you're fucking gross."

Several other questions were met with derision and later loud snoring. When she woke up, there was a 15 minute crying session in which she confessed to ruining her family's life and admitted that she really loved them, and everyone.

Soon after she puked into a potted plant that was on the stage, the secret service finally managed to pull her off when she tried to take a swing at a journalist for, "lookin at [her] funny." I think we could all learn something from this brave, crazy, ugly, crazy ugly woman: beer before liquor, you've never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you're in the clear. Vote party President, vote Hillary in 2008.

Deaf, Dumb, Blind Kid: Sure Plays Mean Pinball

The special olympics has decided to add several new events to their already full schedule of games for the hardly-abled. They did this to create oppurtunities for those handicapped people who may be even less physically talented than the ones who already compete. New events include: pinball, dressing themselves, staring contests, rock-paper-scissors, and doing a math problem.

Organizers have said that the added events will probably tack another day onto the schedule, leaving parents and caretakers even more miserable afterwards.

We got an exclusive interview with the favorite in this year's pinball event, Eric Shun, a deaf, mute, blind man with his hopes and dreams riding on this tournament. Through an interpreter he said, "You've really just got to feel the balls, when you can't see or hear it makes pinball difficult, but sometimes you have to battle through those difficulties, I've been doing it all my life." When asked if he thought he'd win he said, "Sometimes you can never tell, all of my orifices are tough and I don't know if I can shoot them with a rifle," the interpreter added, "or something like that."

I asked if I could see him play and wow, is he bad. He kinda just shoots the ball and whacks away on the flippers. I'm pretty sure I could beat him, I don't know about eyes closed though.

In the staring contest event, the favorite is Mike "No-Lids" McGee, who has no eyelids. And in doing a math problem, the perennial favorite in events like this around the world, Stephen Hawking is expected to win handily. All of the events should be exciting. Almost as good as that day I spent watching paint dry, or the fabled week of the great grass grow watch. Either way, I'd like to wish all of the contestants good luck and let them know that though they may not be normal people, they can compete against each other for our amusement, which is even more fun...for me.

Man Claims Ghost Raped Him, Wife says He's Just Gay

A local man claimed yesterday that ghosts in his house have periodically been raping him in his sleep for the last three years. He says the reason he finally came out about the incident was that his wife noticed that he was having trouble sitting down and asked what was wrong. So he told her the story of how the spirits of past owners have been coming to him for years and butt raping him while he slept.

In an interview the man said, "My wife didn't believe me, she thinks I've been going to the gay bar down the street, so I told her, 'If you don't believe me I'll call the paper and tell the same story to the world, I'm not ashamed!'"

The wife gave her testimony, "He was always a little queer, not flaming or anything, but you could tell the tendencies were there. I didn't think he was acting on them, but they were there. This whole ghost story is a load of horse shit, I saw him the other night come out of a gay club downtown. I know what he's been up to, getting sodomized, our marriage is a sham." She cried for quite a while after that.

The owner of the local gay club, "The Back Door" gave us the cold shoulder when we asked about the incident and if there were any gay ghosts who might frequent their establishment, "We don't discuss our customer base and....wait, did you just say ghosts? What are you a wise ass? Get the hell outta here before I call the cops."

No other ghost rapings have yet been reported in the area, but we will keep you informed on this dangerous and unsettling news. We have no reports as to whether sleeping on your back will help prevent any attacks because the attacker may not be corporeal and could come up through the bed. Please report any strange supernatural behavior to the police immediately, they are working closely with the ghostbusters on this case to bring it to a close as quickly and efficiently as possible.

US to Terrorists: Airplanes Are Made for Flying In, Not Bombing

Originally posted: August 22, 2006


In a statement made earlier today following the recent plane bomb scare in England, US officials said that they were afraid people originating out of the Middle East are unaware of what passenger air craft are really designed for.

President Bush said, "Yeah...I don't think you guys get what is supposed to happen on these things, you ride on 'em. When you can't be not not afraid to ride on an airplane, the terrorists win." He went on to say, "An airplane is like a good sofa, when you sit on it, it's nice, but when it blows up, you can't be very happy about that."

While I'm not really sure what the hell Bush was talking about, Condolezza Rice seemed to agree with him saying, and I quote, "I'm a huge stupid bitch." Now there's something I can get behind.

Personally, the lack of originality of the date on which these bombing were supposed to occur leads this reporter to believe that there is a lot of slacking going on inside the power structure of Al Qaeda. Hey Osama, 9/11 was a genius marketing ploy...how about next time go for 6/9. Or 01/1/34, I know it's a long time to wait to kill some infidels, but if you put it in a calculator and turn it upside down, you get "hello." What a way to stick it to us.

Whatever you decide to do next Al Qaeda, try to snazz it up a little, stop going for planes, we're on to you. Here's an idea, stick a bunch of dynamite up your ass, light it and then run into the nearest gas station. Then sneak into the White House and paint moustaches on all of the portraits. Finally, when Bush isn't looking, give him a wet willy. He haaaates that.

I guess the final decision is up to you guys, but what the hell, I'll let you steal my ideas for some of those virgins in Paradise I hear so much about.

Middle East Clusterfuck: People dead, Americans indifferent

Originally posted: July 17, 2006


In a surprising new poll, people in the Middle East continue to not like each other. These new findings deal a big blow to the peace process there. While many involved in the warring in that area feel that they are doing things for their country and their god, another poll shows that Americans don't read news unless it is about them. In our attempt to pander to our audience, we decided to talk to some Americans and see how they feel about the situation.

Jimmy Smith was just your normal every day American until one day he heard about war breaking out between Israel and Lebanon. His world could have been turned upside down, but he kept his cool and worked to continue his way of living, "I could really care less about Israel and Lebanon," he said in a recent interview, "Why the hell should I pay attention to something going on thousands of miles away? How could that possibly affect me? Now if you'll excuse me I have to go buy $200 worth of gas."

Joe Franklin was another American who chimed in on the issue, "I hope those camel fuckers all kill themselves that way we won't have to nuke 'em," he continued, "If I was in Iraq I'd personally stick my foot up each and every one of their asses, I wish I was fuckin there man, then they'd see."

We like to see people get their wishes, so we sent good old Joe over to Iraq for free. He seemed really excited about it, so excited in fact we couldn't get him to stop yelling and screaming and kicking the whole way. Sadly we recieved word this morning that he was killed when his head was kicked in by militants in the area he was staying. It's a sad day when a wish goes bad.

We'd love to hear your reactions to the war. Post them below and let us know how you die hard patriots feel about Saddam, the Israel-Lebanon situation, Afghanistan, or anything about the Middle East. Keep it real...real American.

Blog Writers Demoralized by Falling Interest in Their Lives

Originally posted: May 3, 2006


Bloggers across the nation are depressed and lonely because of a lack of interest in their personal lives. While they were under the impression that most people cared that they were having boy problems, or that their cat did the funniest thing today, it turns out that no one really does. Oddly enough people still seem to care who's going out with Jennifer Lopez (not me or I would've looked it up and told you in these parentheses).

One blogger who must remain nameless because she's 15 said, "I don't understand it! I almost went all the way with Jeremy the other day, like we were rounding third and then I was just like no I can't do this and he was like come on baby and I was like I just can't but I'll help you finish if you want so then I helped him finish with my hand, and I only got five hits on my blog article about it. I thought that kind of sexy stuff made headlines. I don't think its that people don't care....they just don't know, so that's why I'm advertising my intimate sexual experiences in as many places as I can."

She later told me she was going to write in her blog all about how she got interviewed today. I can't wait!

In a piece of related news 500 underage girls were sexually assaulted today by people they met on myspace. The parents of these children banded together to complain about the popular website. The Parents Against Pedophiles (PAP) smear campaign began early last night, where they protested outside official myspace headquarters. They say they will be making demands that websites keep a strict standard of decency and protection for their use and any site that fails these PAP tests will be considered a cancer on society.

The timer for my cookies just went off. See you next time.

New Law to Ban Smoking in Thought

Originally posted: February 28, 2006


Congress recently passed a bill that bans even thinking about smoking. Coming on the heels of a law that prohibits New Jersey residents from smoking in buildings, a unanimous vote passed the decision to disallow all US citizens from even thinking about smoking. The new law calls for a fourth branch of government, which is for now being called "the thought police."

The new law goes into effect on June 1st and states that anyone caught day dreaming, reminiscing, or being curious about smoking will be executed by firing squad in front of their family. In the event that they don't have a family, the accused would simply be anally raped before and after being shot. Dick Cheney himself will be the one with the bullet in his gun and as everyone knows, his aim is spot on, especially if aiming for the head/neck/chest area.

He had this to say, "Optimally, for those with no family, they will still be alive for most of the anal rape after they are shot. And just before they die, we force them to apologize. This will all take place on national television, which no mass humiliation would be complete without."

So for all you smokers out there, three months left and then you'll be eating Big Brother's lead. Look at it this way, instead of a slow agonizing death from cancer it will be a quick agonizing death from Dick Cheney with a shotgun, that old guy in his quail hunting party didn't seem to mind...but then, you won't be making a full recovery.

World Continues On, Doomsayers and Prophets Shocked

Originally posted: December 29, 2005


Despite many prophetic warnings that the world would end last week, we are all still here. A man named Joe Wilson, calling himself the greatest prophet of our time after winning his football pool at work four times this year, predicted the end of the world would happen last week. Although my herpes broke out again (damn porn studio jobs), the world did not end as was fortold by the great Joe.

On the topic, he remarked, "I don't know what happened, the crossvectors of the universe must have been misaligned in such a way that my view of them was slightly skewed. Taking this into account, I would say that doomsday should be upon us by next Thursday, although it might be after midnight eastern time making it Friday, its too close to call without my equipment."

The equipment he referred to consists of a single rotted out tire tied to a tree branch which he puts over his head. He then stares at the sky, "Sometimes for hours," according to his wife, who now says, "If he can really see the future why doesn't he know that I'm seriously thinking about filing for divorce?"

Nostradamus also weighed in with one of his weekly mass death by vague means predictions. Unfortunately, he was unable to be reached for comment on account of the fact that he's been dead for centuries.

We were able to get in touch with God for an exclusive interview, he had this to say, "Don't you people get it? I'm fucking with you! Sure every once in a while I'll let somebody get a few right. Thats what makes this so much fun. You think you're on a roll, but its really just me saying, alright, I'll give him this one, because it'll be so much better to see the look on their faces when the world doesn't end. I want to add while I'm being so candid that Elvis is dead, Hitler is dead, when Buckner let that ball go between his legs, it wasn't a miracle, he was a jackass. I've been rooting for the Red Sox for 80 goddamn years, so I finally got involved. I can't do anything about terrorism, they work for somebody else and he's a dick when all us gods get together for dinner. Your mom cheated on your father in 1986. You'll be dead in 15 years, its cancer. And one last thing, if anyone asks, you never talked to Me, I don't want people thinking I've gone soft and started letting anyone know that I actually exist. I want to keep you people in the dark about it because faith is the most important thing." There were several minutes of laughing after He said this last thing, He then said, "Seriously though...faith...hahahhahaha."

Well God, thanks for the death warning (or threat as I like to think of it). And as per the orders of the Holy One, I will say this, I made up that whole interview with God thing...good joke huh? I'm gonna go cry for a couple of hours and contemplate what to do with my last...next 15 years or so, maybe quit smoking. Anyway, good luck and goodnight...no, that sounds gay. Enjoy your lungs while they last because you never know when cancer will slowly develop and kill you...yeah, thats better.

Porn Studio Rocked by News that 1 in 5 of Their Artists Has Herpes

Originally posted: November 17, 2005


After intensive testing earlier this month, a top porn studio has learned that one in five of their actors has the sexually transmitted disease Herpes. The news came as a shock to the president of the company. When reached for comment, he had this to say, "I thought they were all very clean, careful people. Now I find out they've been out having unprotected sex and being wild party animals. What's going on in the world today when you can't count on your employees to maintain the sanctity of the porn industry." When asked what he would do with the knowledge, he said, "Well, we're going to have to spend a ton of money on rubbers now aren't we? I'm really very dissapointed but the show must go on, herpes or no."

Three employees who tested positive, Candy, Bubbles, and John were not so surprised, Candy said this, "I had 'em first and I figured it was just a rash or something so I think I mighta kinda given em to everyone else."

Bubbles chimed in, "It's ok baby, I always kinda wanted to know what a STD was like."

Then John said to me, "Hey man, you ever see a chancre up close before?" I graciously declined his horrific offer and took off.

I guess it just goes to show that even porn stars are human too. Very, very lucky humans...with chancres.

Superman Losing Powers and Maybe the Fight Against AIDS

Originally posted: October 12, 2005


Superman's powers further dwindled today from the prolonged absence of the yellow sun. He says this will not stop him from taking on his most dangerous adversary yet, AIDS. The Man of Steel intends to go ahead with plans to beat the deadly disease...out of each and every terminal patient. This news was a shock to close friends and family who say that until the sun comes back Superman has an average immune system and that kind of activity could put him in contact with a lot of infected blood.

A scientist who wishes to remain nameless agreed to give an interview yesterday, saying, "First of all, this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of, to put these patients through an ordeal like that would be horrific and completely immoral. Second, if Superman becomes infected, and then he gets his powers back, there is a good chance that the virus will mutate into something completely uncontrollable. It would be the end of the world. I think this is probably the most irresponsible thing that anyone in the world has ever done ever."

Superman remained stolidly focused, "This disease is killing us one by one, it is worse than all the villians I've ever faced combined. Even Doomsday," Doomsday and Superman actually killed each other at one point...Superman came back, don't ask me how, I don't think anyone ever actually explained it. He went on to say, "I must press on in my crusade against this scourge and just hope that God will bring me through it."

Hats off to you Superman, ya big dumb animal. Faster than a speeding bullet and dumber than a braindead chipmunk. God bless you.

President Bush sends aid to Katrina victims

Originally posted: September 11, 2005


President Bush sent the homeless and helpless citizens of Hurricane Katrina a large giftwrapped box earlier today. The box had a note on it that said, help has arrived. It took three malnourished homeless men to open the box but when they did their eyes lit up! It turned out to be a bomb that was ticking down its last three seconds. BOOM! Oh what a spectacle it was so bright and beautiful, of course it killed everyone left in the city. But watching from Texas the sky lit up more gorgeously than on the Fourth of July, which in Texas is also a time of blowing people up.

Bush later held a press conference saying that it was easier and more economically feasible to deal with a city full of dead people as opposed to just killing them one by one. He also said that he was the Yertle to New Orleans' Turtle and he knows what they're going through is hard but they are in a happier place now, with God and His Son Jesus Christ. He went on to say, "Hurricane Katrina is one of the worst hurricanes to ever hurricane its way up. The hurricane got up to very hurricanely speeds and hurricaned the crap out of this previously hurricaneless city."

Hurricane Katrina was a horrible disaster but when New Orleans gets cleaned up rest assured that Mardi Gras will be bigger and better than ever. With less homeless people.

Gates to Pay Robot to have Sex with Human; Cyborg Baby Inevitable

Originally posted: August 14, 2005


Microsoft announced today that it was teaming up with the country's leading bio-engineers in an effort to create a cyborg child. The child would have the ability to grow and learn like a normal human but would be super strong, like a robot. So far Bill Gates has been unsuccesful at giving the robot enough money to have sex with a human woman, "The next course of action is to try giving him a billion dollars and see if he'll do it."

If succesful, this will be the first cyborg baby ever born, of course, as it will be running windows, major errors are unavoidable. This reporter expects it will be the equivalent of an epileptic Robo-Cop, or the Terminator with Down Syndrome.

Indeed, if no amount of money works to lure the Cybertron 5000 into bed, Gates plans to try a female robot and a male human, citing the fact that, "Men will fuck anything with a vagina, even if the only reason its wet is because it's leaking battery acid."

Hell, maybe I'll have a go at uploading my data into that sweet, sweet hard drive, as long as she doesn't mind playing with my software for a while. Yeah yeah, it takes me a while to properly boot up. Let me know Mr. Gates, I'm the perfect guy to screw a robot.

President teaches English, Satan sips Peppermint Tea

Originally posted: August 5, 2005

In a continuously breaking story, President Bush has decided to step down from office, following his Vice President's advice in becoming an English teacher.

"Vice President Cheney has never steered me wrong before and I think this is a big step on the road to yieldless steadity in the educational system," the now ex-President was heard to say. He continued, "In my term as English teacher of Lincoln High, I will teach these kids unmercilessly! They will know the fear and glory of being in the presence of one of God's true servants. I plan on being tough but loving with these kids. I mean sure I'll kick someone out of the class for not knowing how to spell 'phlegm,' but I'll send them a fruit basket afterwise you can count your chickens on that."

The Vice President refused to comment, but me being the enterprising reporter that I am was listening intently outside his door when he was heard to say, "I guess we don't have to kill him for me to be President after all," well put Mr. VP.

In the aftermath of these happenings the grounds in front of the White House cracked open and issued forth great amounts of brimstone and other fiery objects. This caused quite a stir with security until they realized it was just Satan, joining the new President for some afternoon tea. The Dark Lord was also unavailable for comment, he did damn my cameraman to everlasting hell though, so anyone wanting the job should contact me about it ASAP.

More news of the ex-President, and how he is doing at his new school, will be issued as it becomes available. Although he is a world renowned Englishist, we'll see how well he crosses his i's and dots his t's when he's got to contend with a class full of rowdy kids who are all quite certain that they are better at English talking than him. For my heroes George W., Dick Cheney, and Satan, this is the man, the myth, the legend, God himself signing out. Me bless George Bush.

Overzealous Cop Killed by Stunned SUV Driver

Originally posted: August 1, 2005

An overzealous undercover police officer was killed in the line of duty today. Allegedly he was trying to stop a lawbreaking motorist on the highway and was struck by an SUV.

We interviewed the motorist in question.

"Yeah I'm driving along the highway, going the speed limit, smoking a butt. I finish and toss it out the window and all of a sudden this blue car blows by me on the right. He goes about forty yards down the road, gets in my lane, throws on his e-brake and cuts the wheel real sharp to the left. Smoke is flying everywhere, this guy is right in the middle of my goddamn lane. By the time I get over what just happened its way too late to stop, so I just went around him and kept going. I guess the guy behind me didn't get over that shit in time cuz they smashed up real good. What kind of cop does that?"

Fellow officers voiced their opinions too, "Yeah, Jonesy really hated littering. I could see him doing some crazy shit like that," one said.

"He didn't much care about the rules, he liked to think of himself as a vigilante," offered another.

We also talked briefly to Officer Jones' father, "The kid was an idiot when he was born and he was an idiot when he died, that's all there is to it. Now if you'll excuse me, Matlock is on."

As a follow up to any who were wondering, Matlock won his court case that day. Oh Mr. Matlock, you are very good indeed.

Truck Explodes: Drivers Become Daredevils and Psychotics

Originally posted: July 28, 2005

A Mack Truck exploded today after going under a bridge whose clearance, 12' 3" was just a little bit too low. The explosion took out the entire overpass and motorists gone mad trying to get home have begun "trying to jump it."

Few have been successful...and by few I mean none. But that doesn't stop them from trying, God bless their souls.

The driver of the truck perished and perhaps this will be a lesson to all truck drivers, make sure you check that clearance sign before you go because if you don't make it, you could blow up and die.

Several stunned bystanders were on the scene.

"Now I know why they have those clearance signs displayed so prominently," said one witness, "I always thought the truck would just get stuck and that would be it, but no, they explode like my brother's house on the fourth of July...which nobody ever proved nothin about."

"That's why I'll never drive a truck, " said another motorist who saw the explosion up close, "they explode at the slightest provocation and they drive really slow. Noo thank you, I'll stick with my 1993 Ford Mustang."

I tried to point out to the man that he was comparing apples and oranges and he told me he had a whole basket of oranges back home which he wouldn't be able to get to for hours because of this "waste of time and tax payers money."

"What they oughta do, " he said, "is make flying bridges so this kind of thing don't happen. Then, the sky's the limit, soon they could have bridges that attack terrorist cells and whatnot."

As I slowly backed away from the man and into my chopper, smiling and nodding the whole way, I reflected on the days events. 'Why did this great big truck have to die?' I thought, 'Maybe it was just the truck's time. Or maybe the driver was just a great big, barbecue flavored jerk. At least I got dibs on his calf. Mmmm.'

Local Kids Find Out: Drugs Can Be Bad

Originally Posted: July 26, 2005

A group of Somerset County teenagers decided that drugs were indeed "not cool" two nights ago when a friend of theirs began yelling and insisting that, "It's the apocalypse run for your fucking lives. Oh god, oh god, oh god."

The teen in question then leaped through the window and was heard to scream, "Oh shit!" just before his right leg and femur broke in at least four places and he passed out.

Following this incident the rest of the crew reportedly, "had a bad trip."

The police were called by a neighbor who heard the screams. When Officer Smith got there he found the boy sprawled out on the black top moaning something about the caterpillar in "Alice in Wonderland."

The officer then went inside to find six of the teens alleged friends allegedly, "freakin out man."

The teens were questioned, but of no help to the officer at the time.

This reporter got an interview with two of them after they were released from custody. Since they are under 18, I cannot divulge their real names. In the tradition of Dr. Seuss, of whom I am quite fond, I will call them Thing 1 and Thing 2.

"Everything was going great until that piece of shit started going ape shit," said Thing 1.
Thing 2 agreed, "All he had to do was chill out but no, he jumps out the fucking window. We were in the middle of trying to figure out what to do with his body...I mean with him when the cops came. We were gonna call them, I swear."

When asked if they would ever take the magic mushrooms again, the answer was a resounding no.

"Its all weed and booze from here on out," declared Thing 1.

"I still really wanna try acid," chimed in Thing 2.

"Yeah me too," Thing 1 agreed.

Me too fellas, me too. Keep on trucking.