US to Terrorists: Airplanes Are Made for Flying In, Not Bombing

Originally posted: August 22, 2006


In a statement made earlier today following the recent plane bomb scare in England, US officials said that they were afraid people originating out of the Middle East are unaware of what passenger air craft are really designed for.

President Bush said, "Yeah...I don't think you guys get what is supposed to happen on these things, you ride on 'em. When you can't be not not afraid to ride on an airplane, the terrorists win." He went on to say, "An airplane is like a good sofa, when you sit on it, it's nice, but when it blows up, you can't be very happy about that."

While I'm not really sure what the hell Bush was talking about, Condolezza Rice seemed to agree with him saying, and I quote, "I'm a huge stupid bitch." Now there's something I can get behind.

Personally, the lack of originality of the date on which these bombing were supposed to occur leads this reporter to believe that there is a lot of slacking going on inside the power structure of Al Qaeda. Hey Osama, 9/11 was a genius marketing ploy...how about next time go for 6/9. Or 01/1/34, I know it's a long time to wait to kill some infidels, but if you put it in a calculator and turn it upside down, you get "hello." What a way to stick it to us.

Whatever you decide to do next Al Qaeda, try to snazz it up a little, stop going for planes, we're on to you. Here's an idea, stick a bunch of dynamite up your ass, light it and then run into the nearest gas station. Then sneak into the White House and paint moustaches on all of the portraits. Finally, when Bush isn't looking, give him a wet willy. He haaaates that.

I guess the final decision is up to you guys, but what the hell, I'll let you steal my ideas for some of those virgins in Paradise I hear so much about.