Bush's State of the Union Address Leaves President Exhausted and Unable to "Think Anymore" for Several Hours

President Bush gave his annual State of the Union Address yesterday and boy is his brain tired. He talked about several important issues including health care, education, climate change (or as he likes to call it "The Apocalypse"), and of course the war in Iraq, which is really more of a glorified king of the hill game now (wherein to become the king of the hill you have to kill the kid that's on top).

In terms of health care, Bush commented that in order to help ebb the tide of rising health care costs we as a nation would have to, "Band together like a giant rubber band, or some type of really long and tough rope that would stop us from falling apart." He went on to say how we, "need to remain a healthy country if we want to be able to fight more heathens in the future." And implored Americans to, "eat plenty of salads to counteract all the McDonalds food that makes you fly if you eat enough of it." Ronald McDonald then walked onto the stage and handed the president a sack with a "$" sign on it.

In a later interview, Ronald was quoted as saying, "He's right, our stuff's just like magic pixie dust, just slightly higher in calories."

On the education front Bush cemented his intentions of following up his "No Child Left Behind" program with a "No Child Left in Class" policy in which local schools would simply stop trying to teach children who aren't geniuses. About this policy he commented, "We only need the smartest and best looking boys and girls to go to school, the rest we can just throw into the army and send 'em to Iraq where we really need help."

One of the biggest issues in the coming year as far as Bush was concerned is the end of the world. The unseasonably warm winter has gotten him into a prophesying mood, he says the Rangnarok should be arriving in 8-10 months depending on the moon beams in Elysium. Whether or not Bush is actually certifiably insane remains to be seen, but he certainly seems to tread that ledge with a tightrope walker's skill doesn't he folks?

Last but not least on his agenda was Iraq. He went on for several hours about how the war on terror is just begining and we can't lose sight of what's important. I blacked out after a few minutes because of a condition I have where I can't listen to the same thing said by the same person more than 147 times within a six year span. When I came to he was talking about how sending 20,000 more troops to Iraq was going to help them keep order. He referred back to his education program to show exactly where these new recruits would come from.

The fact that he was giving the State of the Union address in front of a Democratically controlled congress did not seem to faze the President who looked out over the audience in the begining of his speech and said, "Looking out over this crowd I see a lot of new faces and new faces mean fresh new ideas. I don't want to give ya'll the impression that I'll listen to your ideas or [stifled laughter] implement them, but I appreciate that you have them because it makes it better to defy you when you have something you care about."

Bush concluded the address by saying, "I just want to say one more thing...for anyone who thinks they can mess with America, they can't and do you know why?....I said, DO YOU KNOW WHY???...Seriously I'm asking if you know why, I can't remember anymore."

That's the President for you, why do we need a thinker when we've got an actor? It worked for Reagan. Keep going with your gut Georgie, we need you now more than tomorrow.


For the Actual SOU Address click here
New Zealand Herald Article
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