A local burnt out hippie caused an uproar in a church today when he decried the teachings of the priest giving mass and posited that he was the actual God and that the priest was promoting a fraud. The man, who's only identification was a 10 year expired library card, was arrested for disrupting the peace and sacrilege outside the doors. While sacrilege is not actually a crime, police on the scene were quoted as saying, "No one is gonna miss this tree hugger anyway, might as well tack on as many charges as we can."
The man, who's name is Woodrow Johnston, is being kept without bail. He was heard to say, "This is an outrage, I'm God, I could just walk out of here anytime I want to...but that's against my will. I want to talk to my lawyer!...Wait...do I have a lawyer?...Wait...why am I here again?"
It is assumed he was smoking large amounts of marijuana and perhaps had even eaten some magic mushrooms before going on his tirade. In interviews with people who were in the church at the time, the tone was overwhelmingly aggravated, partly shocked, and slightly gassy.
A man who asked to remain anonymous said, "If that guy is God, I'll eat my shoe. He thinks that just because he's wearing sandals he's like Jesus? His long hair makes him my savior? Just because everyone persecutes him he's a deity now? C'mon, it takes more than that, where's his white robe? Where's the water into wine? I mean, sure I'm a recovering alcoholic, but if God turned water into wine for me I'd get wasted." He then farted.
The police at the scene were cheered on as they clubbed Johnston about the head for a good 15 minutes with batons and eventually resorted to kicking him in the side. They then told him to regain consciousness immediately so he could be taken to prison, when he refused, they used a stun gun on him several times.
Through spokesman, the Reverend Al Sharpton, God showed his disapproval, "God is very displeased with this outburst, in a house of Him no less. Was it not Him who said, 'You will have no other Me's before Me?' Was it not Him who used a golden calf to show how gold has hypnotizing powers? Was it not Him who killed Bowser on the third level?! Wait a minute...where was I? Anyway, He's pissed."
After several minutes of confusion the crowd roared an approving, "AMEN BROTHER!"
In the meantime, Johnston awaits trial and is expected to receive four consecutive life sentences for being such a dirty hippy. As for God, he continues to rule with an iron fist striking down wives and mothers, fathers and sons, dogs and cats with reckless abandon. I guess the good thing about being King of the Universe is never having to apologize.
The man, who's name is Woodrow Johnston, is being kept without bail. He was heard to say, "This is an outrage, I'm God, I could just walk out of here anytime I want to...but that's against my will. I want to talk to my lawyer!...Wait...do I have a lawyer?...Wait...why am I here again?"
It is assumed he was smoking large amounts of marijuana and perhaps had even eaten some magic mushrooms before going on his tirade. In interviews with people who were in the church at the time, the tone was overwhelmingly aggravated, partly shocked, and slightly gassy.
A man who asked to remain anonymous said, "If that guy is God, I'll eat my shoe. He thinks that just because he's wearing sandals he's like Jesus? His long hair makes him my savior? Just because everyone persecutes him he's a deity now? C'mon, it takes more than that, where's his white robe? Where's the water into wine? I mean, sure I'm a recovering alcoholic, but if God turned water into wine for me I'd get wasted." He then farted.
The police at the scene were cheered on as they clubbed Johnston about the head for a good 15 minutes with batons and eventually resorted to kicking him in the side. They then told him to regain consciousness immediately so he could be taken to prison, when he refused, they used a stun gun on him several times.
Through spokesman, the Reverend Al Sharpton, God showed his disapproval, "God is very displeased with this outburst, in a house of Him no less. Was it not Him who said, 'You will have no other Me's before Me?' Was it not Him who used a golden calf to show how gold has hypnotizing powers? Was it not Him who killed Bowser on the third level?! Wait a minute...where was I? Anyway, He's pissed."
After several minutes of confusion the crowd roared an approving, "AMEN BROTHER!"
In the meantime, Johnston awaits trial and is expected to receive four consecutive life sentences for being such a dirty hippy. As for God, he continues to rule with an iron fist striking down wives and mothers, fathers and sons, dogs and cats with reckless abandon. I guess the good thing about being King of the Universe is never having to apologize.
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