Originally posted: December 29, 2005
Despite many prophetic warnings that the world would end last week, we are all still here. A man named Joe Wilson, calling himself the greatest prophet of our time after winning his football pool at work four times this year, predicted the end of the world would happen last week. Although my herpes broke out again (damn porn studio jobs), the world did not end as was fortold by the great Joe.
On the topic, he remarked, "I don't know what happened, the crossvectors of the universe must have been misaligned in such a way that my view of them was slightly skewed. Taking this into account, I would say that doomsday should be upon us by next Thursday, although it might be after midnight eastern time making it Friday, its too close to call without my equipment."
The equipment he referred to consists of a single rotted out tire tied to a tree branch which he puts over his head. He then stares at the sky, "Sometimes for hours," according to his wife, who now says, "If he can really see the future why doesn't he know that I'm seriously thinking about filing for divorce?"
Nostradamus also weighed in with one of his weekly mass death by vague means predictions. Unfortunately, he was unable to be reached for comment on account of the fact that he's been dead for centuries.
We were able to get in touch with God for an exclusive interview, he had this to say, "Don't you people get it? I'm fucking with you! Sure every once in a while I'll let somebody get a few right. Thats what makes this so much fun. You think you're on a roll, but its really just me saying, alright, I'll give him this one, because it'll be so much better to see the look on their faces when the world doesn't end. I want to add while I'm being so candid that Elvis is dead, Hitler is dead, when Buckner let that ball go between his legs, it wasn't a miracle, he was a jackass. I've been rooting for the Red Sox for 80 goddamn years, so I finally got involved. I can't do anything about terrorism, they work for somebody else and he's a dick when all us gods get together for dinner. Your mom cheated on your father in 1986. You'll be dead in 15 years, its cancer. And one last thing, if anyone asks, you never talked to Me, I don't want people thinking I've gone soft and started letting anyone know that I actually exist. I want to keep you people in the dark about it because faith is the most important thing." There were several minutes of laughing after He said this last thing, He then said, "Seriously though...faith...hahahhahaha."
Well God, thanks for the death warning (or threat as I like to think of it). And as per the orders of the Holy One, I will say this, I made up that whole interview with God thing...good joke huh? I'm gonna go cry for a couple of hours and contemplate what to do with my last...next 15 years or so, maybe quit smoking. Anyway, good luck and goodnight...no, that sounds gay. Enjoy your lungs while they last because you never know when cancer will slowly develop and kill you...yeah, thats better.
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