Crack Laced with Arsenic Kills When Taken Incorrectly

An unsuspecting innocent young man was killed yesterday when the crack he was smoking turned out to be laced with copious amounts of arsenic. He was visiting his local pusher and enjoying a little bit of "the good stuff" when he began to gag and realized that something was terribly wrong. Arsenic is a poison usually only used to poison megalomaniacal generals and dictators, "...arsenic has been called the Poison of Kings and the King of Poisons." (Wikipedia, Arsenic article), there have been no reported arsenic poisonings since Napoleon...that anyone cares about.

The young man's name cannot be divulged because he was 12, but good friends say he's been smoking for at least nine or ten years.

A friend of the boy's known only as "Bullet" said, "Yeah maybe I'm 37 and I shouldn't be hanging out with a 12 year old kid. Maybe I should quit smokin' crack. Maybe I should stop blowing dudes for quarters, maybe I shouldn't kill people on the street in broad daylight, but lets be real, that shit ain't gonna happen. [Censored] was a good kid, ain't that some shit, for a motherfucker to be sellin' poison crack, everybody always tells me to stop puttin' that poison in me. What my boy smoked was the fuckin' poison." Bullet then pulled out his dual gats clicked them together and proclaimed, "The hunt is on motherfuckers, I'm comin' for you!" As he was running across the street he was struck and killed by an SUV.

When I talked to the boy's dealer, Dikembe Mutumbo (no relation to the basketball player) he tried to play it cool saying, "Yeah I killed the motherfucker. He was eyein' my lady friend [$3 hooker]. I don't take that kinda shit from no midget...he was what?...he was 12? Sheeit, I thought he was just short, oops. Ain't nobody gonna miss that little crackhead anyway, he was in here ten, maybe fifteen times a week, couldn't believe his little heart kept up as long as it did."

When asked if he thought it would affect his business, Mutumbo answered, "Nah, crackheads don't read the damn news."

There you have it, a little boy, fighting a decade old crack addiction succumbs to arsenic poisoning. A story that grows slightly less tragic every time we hear it. There is a lesson to be learned here and that is, always have a crack dealer you can trust, some of those motherfuckers are shady.