Vote Hillary: She Parties Hardy

Former first lady, Hillary Clinton announced recently that she will run for President in 2008. While this news was not shocking, several comments made by her were completely unexpected. A visibly drunk Clinton started out her first press conference by saying, "I just want everyone to know that my husband is not the only one who can get secretaries to fuck him, when I win the Presidency I'll have those whores taking it in a lot more uncomfortable places than the mouth." She went on to discuss exactly where and how hard they would be taking it.

Throughout the speech she would complain about being hot and remove an article of clothing. As she removed the clothes she would swing them around above her head and then toss them out into the crowd, to the audience's great dismay. Her stockings, she slingshotted a good 25 feet into the open mouth of Alec Baldwin, who was there to lend support to her cause. He then became visibly aroused. By the end she was wearing nothing but a bra and crotchless panties.

After her initial speech she took questions from the crowd. When asked how she could make such a mockery of the country at a time when it is so desperately in need of change, she took a swig from her handy hip flask, then answered, "I cuh care less abow the country's strugglesss, i juss wanna kiss you." To which the reporter replied, "No, you're fucking gross."

Several other questions were met with derision and later loud snoring. When she woke up, there was a 15 minute crying session in which she confessed to ruining her family's life and admitted that she really loved them, and everyone.

Soon after she puked into a potted plant that was on the stage, the secret service finally managed to pull her off when she tried to take a swing at a journalist for, "lookin at [her] funny." I think we could all learn something from this brave, crazy, ugly, crazy ugly woman: beer before liquor, you've never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you're in the clear. Vote party President, vote Hillary in 2008.