A pizza shop owner was beaten to death with a Stromboli today while trying to get the most out of his workers. The owner, one Luigi Calamari, told his delivery driver that he'd need him to work again at night after a long shift in heavy snows. The driver, Richard Shuler then picked up the nearest thing he could find, a piping hot Stromboli and began beating the owner about the face and chest with it.
Though the brutal thrashing took nearly 1 and a half hours to complete, no one called the cops or even complained. Two workers in the back, Emanuel Lopez and Esteban Gomez stood by and watched the whole thing, allegedly with smiles on their faces. They then picked up the exhausted Shuler and carried him around singing something presumably Mexican and celebratory.
From prison Shuler seemed contrite saying, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to kill him, only to make him stop being such an asshole. I wish I could have just put him in a hospital for the rest of his life so he could suffer for years and have a shell of an existence."
The business will be picked up by Calamari's twin, Giorgio, who is identical in every way except possibly more evil. It is suspected that Giorgio will be abducting little boys and terrorizing employees in no time.
The maximum penalty for murder of a restaurant owner is five days.
A local judge, when asked why it was such a short incarceration said, "Because they are all worthless bastards who don't deserve real justice," he went on to say, "Especially the Italian ones."
It is unknown whether Shuler will continue to work at the restaurant, but it is expected that he will not, though the Mexican workers in the back have erected a shrine made of pizza dough to honor their triumphant hero.
Though the brutal thrashing took nearly 1 and a half hours to complete, no one called the cops or even complained. Two workers in the back, Emanuel Lopez and Esteban Gomez stood by and watched the whole thing, allegedly with smiles on their faces. They then picked up the exhausted Shuler and carried him around singing something presumably Mexican and celebratory.
From prison Shuler seemed contrite saying, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to kill him, only to make him stop being such an asshole. I wish I could have just put him in a hospital for the rest of his life so he could suffer for years and have a shell of an existence."
The business will be picked up by Calamari's twin, Giorgio, who is identical in every way except possibly more evil. It is suspected that Giorgio will be abducting little boys and terrorizing employees in no time.
The maximum penalty for murder of a restaurant owner is five days.
A local judge, when asked why it was such a short incarceration said, "Because they are all worthless bastards who don't deserve real justice," he went on to say, "Especially the Italian ones."
It is unknown whether Shuler will continue to work at the restaurant, but it is expected that he will not, though the Mexican workers in the back have erected a shrine made of pizza dough to honor their triumphant hero.
powered by performancing firefox
1 comment:
i'm not sure if you know this or not, but i saw that happen. i know that guy personally, and i have to say, he's a bit of a hero around these parts.
also, that stromboli did end up feeding mrs. stahdlemeyer's third grade class as it was originally intended. it was quite the scene as the police force spent most of the afternoon trying to get a bunch of 9 year olds to vomit up the evidence.
Post a Comment