Stromboli Used to Bludgeon Restaurant Owner

A pizza shop owner was beaten to death with a Stromboli today while trying to get the most out of his workers. The owner, one Luigi Calamari, told his delivery driver that he'd need him to work again at night after a long shift in heavy snows. The driver, Richard Shuler then picked up the nearest thing he could find, a piping hot Stromboli and began beating the owner about the face and chest with it.



Though the brutal thrashing took nearly 1 and a half hours to complete, no one called the cops or even complained. Two workers in the back, Emanuel Lopez and Esteban Gomez stood by and watched the whole thing, allegedly with smiles on their faces. They then picked up the exhausted Shuler and carried him around singing something presumably Mexican and celebratory.



From prison Shuler seemed contrite saying, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to kill him, only to make him stop being such an asshole. I wish I could have just put him in a hospital for the rest of his life so he could suffer for years and have a shell of an existence."



The business will be picked up by Calamari's twin, Giorgio, who is identical in every way except possibly more evil. It is suspected that Giorgio will be abducting little boys and terrorizing employees in no time.



The maximum penalty for murder of a restaurant owner is five days.



A local judge, when asked why it was such a short incarceration said, "Because they are all worthless bastards who don't deserve real justice," he went on to say, "Especially the Italian ones."



It is unknown whether Shuler will continue to work at the restaurant, but it is expected that he will not, though the Mexican workers in the back have erected a shrine made of pizza dough to honor their triumphant hero.

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Getting Smack without Getting Stabbed

Due to the recent wave of local knife stabbings, people have become uneasy about buying their heroine in the area. While several addicts report a lower incidence of stabbings happen when the purchaser actually has the money to pay his (or her) "motherfuckin dealer," many are still not convinced that they are safe.



There are several ways to make buying drugs safer.



One way is to use the buddy system. Don't go into your local crack house alone, that makes you look like an easy target for a pleasurable murder. Instead, bring a friend with you to your place of shady, dangerous dealings so you can both experience the terror of not knowing if you'll come back out alive.



Another method is to bring a gun. This method is slightly less preferred because it can very easily cause escalation in which you will be shot several hundred times by many of the area's all star dealers. They may not be very smart but they will shoot you in the face with a gat.



If neither of those ideas sound like a good plan, or won't work, try learning the ancient art of ninjitsu. Then go dressed as a ninja and demand your heroin. It is a well known fact that drug dealers are terrified of ninjas and will obey those who know the mystical teachings without question. When you have procured the smack do a ninja vanish, this will leave them disoriented and in most instances unable to remember what just happened.



If you're a woman, wearing skimpy clothing will get you out alive, but most likely not the same. Instance of rape goes up about 4 million percent from outside to inside a crack house. So remember ladies, dress like a dude unless you like multiple forced penetration and sticky hair.



There are several ways to get around a stabbing, but the most important thing to remember is never run into a place screaming, "ITS THE COPS EVERYBODY RUN, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, GET THE FUCK OUT!!!! I'LL HOLD 'EM OFF FOR AS LONG AS I CAN," then steal their shit. I tried it once...shot twice through the leg...not a good feeling.



Whether you try these methods or develop your own remember, drugs are addictive, but so is...I can't remember, I'm way too high.

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Avian Flew...(South)...(Maybe)...(In the Future)...(Shut up)

With the cold of the winter upon us, many local birds aren't sure whether to go south for the next three weeks or just wait it out. Many of the birds stuck around through the incredibly mild winter and now just can't decide if they should leave the nest for the yearly trip to warmer climates.



We interviewed a goose family, who, through an interpreter*, seemed polarized on the subject. Father goose said, "Well, I'm getting old and its only like 2 or 3 more weeks of the cold and then it starts warming up again, we'd have to come back as soon as we got there. Going south is expensive, especially since we've had kids."



Baby goose was of a different mind saying, "Mom and dad promised we could go to Disney World and poop on people this year, they always promise us something and then we don't do it. We were supposed to poop on people's heads at Mardi Gras in 2005 but did that happen? Nooooo."



Whether or not these geese do decide to fly home, one thing is for certain, they won't have an easy time doing it. There are more airplanes in the air now than ever before and birds flying into the engines of them have accounted for more bird deaths in the last two years than bird flu and crossing the street combined**.



Whatever these birds decide to do, its a rough road for such a small payoff, if I were them I think I'd just drive south, but I guess you need hands for that. Oh well...fuck 'em.













*- Imaginative intern who made a bunch of stuff up.

**- Not a real statistic.

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Location Changes, Informant Stays on its Game

Its been a strange few days at the Informant, what with terrorists taking over the building and whatnot. We have all been supplanted to a temporary cardboard box in which we will create our works of social uplift for the next few weeks, not the best working environment, I know. But, the show must go on.



A local bum who lives next door to my cubicle asked me for some change today, I told him I had no change. He knew that I was lying by the change jingle that he heard emanating from my pocket. When I said I needed it for coffee from the local Starbucks he became angry and demanded that he was starving. I think we all know that bums only use money for booze, and I don't support that.



He proceeded to yell at me for not understanding what it was like to live on the street, "Sure you work here," he said, "but living in a box, that's a whole different ball game. When you can't sleep without worrying about somebody murdering you, that doesn't help you to live. I like blue things but sometimes blue just ain't my color you know?"



I feel so bad for this guy, I think maybe I'll help him out by murdering him in his sleep then tossing the body into a nearby river.



In other news, the secretary has a banana on his head, we have been discussing whether or not to tell him, but he's ugly so we'll probably all just laugh at him for a while until he notices...



This alley has great real estate potential and its a buyer's market in here. About 20 cubic feet of space make it plenty for an office or bum home and the prices are very reasonable, get shanked once and live and its all yours, they don't bother you much after that. Speaking of which I think I'd better visit the hospital at the end of the day, I'm getting kind of dizzy from all the blood I'...m....loseuwfhirr

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True Americans Kill Themselves for the Cause

A local newspaper was overrun by Islamic fundamentalists today...........



We call on all pure blooded Americans to throw themselves from the top of tall buildings and bomb their own houses. If you are not a true American you will resist doing these things. When you die you will go to a burning pit of fire and anguish, this is to be your reward.



If you wish to become a true Muslim believer, too bad. Approach this building and you will be shot on site unless you appear Middle Eastern, in which case, welcome to the cause brother.



American industry has destroyed the delicate balance of power in the world and it must be set right. Kill your neighbors and then yourselves to create a utopia, Muhammad will thank you for it.



Jihad is the only true answer to the worlds problems. Osama Bin Laden forever!!!



Capitalist dogs must surrender or face the wrath of car bombs and hand grenades. The American pigs must die in painful and agonizing ways.



Your women will be kept for raping and slaving. They will grow to love their new life, just as our women do, or we will shoot them in the face. We might even do that anyway.



There will be no tomorrow.



Tomorrow's Top Headline: Local Newspaper Explodes.

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College Students Fight Hate Crimes, With Bats

Students at a local college gathered in a campus park today to protest a rash of hate crimes that has spread across the university like wildfire. The more than 200 people in attendance were somewhat taken aback when the speaker said, "We need to fight fire with fire, so we are going to pass out free Louisville Sluggers, when you see someone acting intolerant, you make them wish they were never so bigoted. There's only one way to stop this inhumanity that has been going on around here and we need to use the only means these people understand...face smashing."

While face smashing has been going on since time immemorial, it has never been fully explored as a means of quelling violence. Many students, after getting over the initial shock of such an innovative idea, were intrigued.

"I think this new plan could work," said an anonymous protester, "It's a good way to connect, physically and emotionally with the face of hate. If we all band together and beat the shit out of people who have wrong beliefs we can fully stamp out prejudice and intolerance."

When the speaker was finished, he held one of the bats above his head and shouted out to the crowd, "We will no longer be afraid to walk the streets of this town, because we have bats and justified anger!" The mob was pleased.

After the initial speech, several kegs were tapped and the event turned into a raucous party with several girls who at some points were going wild. Naked breasts and being drunk on power, as well as beer proved to be too much for several of the young men to handle as they started clubbing each other with their new weapons of righteousness in order to impress their lady friends. The girls were not amused and several walked away to a secluded corner of the park where it can only be assumed they performed various hot lesbian actions upon each other.

Though it is impossible to say exactly what effect putting bats in the hands of young, easily convinced college students will be on impeding violence, it is possible to say, probably not a good one. That's why we don't have impressionable college kids running the country or we'd be going around giving people like Iraq or Afghanistan guns and bombs willy nilly...Dammit.