An amateur online poker player burned his own house down today after taking several bad beats at the hands of his cyberspace nemesis 'the_river_rat.' The player in question John Scaliglio or 'pwning_aces,' as he is known in the world of online gambling was at the end of a grueling 12 hour session when he was taunted by a player who had beaten him on the river seven hands in a row.
"It was just too much, I snapped. He's lucky this wasn't a live game or I probably would have reached over the table and snapped his neck," Scalio said later in an interview.
The_river_rat reportedly was, "bragging about how he was such a great poker player and telling [Scaglio] how bad [he] was. He kept hitting the tiniest percentage cards imaginable...he's just a donkey, he sucks, and I kept getting sucked out on...its not fair."
Scalilo then began hurling insults at his opponent aimed at his manhood and family. Some examples from context were, "I fucked your wife in the ass last night...then she sucked me off while I ate out your daughter," and, "I hope you are killed by drowning in a wave of penises at penis high tide so you can finally see what one looks like you cockless fucker."
Eventually the rat was unable to take the insults anymore so he signed off, which prompted Scales to fly off the handle and set his house on fire along with the neighbors' shed, presumably because he didn't have his own shed to burn.
The police say they completely understand where he's coming from, they've had nights like that. As a completely unrelated side note, the cops in the area allow an illegal gambling ring to continue to operate as long as they can play and get sizable kickbacks in the form of hookers and booze. They also received matching tote bag/underwear sets.
While I don't not condone gambling of any kind, I find it completely immoral and socially unacceptable for a man to be tortured mentally in the way that Scalaningnang was, therefore I issue the following challenge to the rat, stop playing so shittily, your ridiculous luck can't last forever. Inversely, if it does last forever, give me money, I need to get one of those fully automated sex dolls and I can't afford it.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
Man Thinks He's God, God is Unamused
A local burnt out hippie caused an uproar in a church today when he decried the teachings of the priest giving mass and posited that he was the actual God and that the priest was promoting a fraud. The man, who's only identification was a 10 year expired library card, was arrested for disrupting the peace and sacrilege outside the doors. While sacrilege is not actually a crime, police on the scene were quoted as saying, "No one is gonna miss this tree hugger anyway, might as well tack on as many charges as we can."
The man, who's name is Woodrow Johnston, is being kept without bail. He was heard to say, "This is an outrage, I'm God, I could just walk out of here anytime I want to...but that's against my will. I want to talk to my lawyer!...Wait...do I have a lawyer?...Wait...why am I here again?"
It is assumed he was smoking large amounts of marijuana and perhaps had even eaten some magic mushrooms before going on his tirade. In interviews with people who were in the church at the time, the tone was overwhelmingly aggravated, partly shocked, and slightly gassy.
A man who asked to remain anonymous said, "If that guy is God, I'll eat my shoe. He thinks that just because he's wearing sandals he's like Jesus? His long hair makes him my savior? Just because everyone persecutes him he's a deity now? C'mon, it takes more than that, where's his white robe? Where's the water into wine? I mean, sure I'm a recovering alcoholic, but if God turned water into wine for me I'd get wasted." He then farted.
The police at the scene were cheered on as they clubbed Johnston about the head for a good 15 minutes with batons and eventually resorted to kicking him in the side. They then told him to regain consciousness immediately so he could be taken to prison, when he refused, they used a stun gun on him several times.
Through spokesman, the Reverend Al Sharpton, God showed his disapproval, "God is very displeased with this outburst, in a house of Him no less. Was it not Him who said, 'You will have no other Me's before Me?' Was it not Him who used a golden calf to show how gold has hypnotizing powers? Was it not Him who killed Bowser on the third level?! Wait a minute...where was I? Anyway, He's pissed."
After several minutes of confusion the crowd roared an approving, "AMEN BROTHER!"
In the meantime, Johnston awaits trial and is expected to receive four consecutive life sentences for being such a dirty hippy. As for God, he continues to rule with an iron fist striking down wives and mothers, fathers and sons, dogs and cats with reckless abandon. I guess the good thing about being King of the Universe is never having to apologize.
The man, who's name is Woodrow Johnston, is being kept without bail. He was heard to say, "This is an outrage, I'm God, I could just walk out of here anytime I want to...but that's against my will. I want to talk to my lawyer!...Wait...do I have a lawyer?...Wait...why am I here again?"
It is assumed he was smoking large amounts of marijuana and perhaps had even eaten some magic mushrooms before going on his tirade. In interviews with people who were in the church at the time, the tone was overwhelmingly aggravated, partly shocked, and slightly gassy.
A man who asked to remain anonymous said, "If that guy is God, I'll eat my shoe. He thinks that just because he's wearing sandals he's like Jesus? His long hair makes him my savior? Just because everyone persecutes him he's a deity now? C'mon, it takes more than that, where's his white robe? Where's the water into wine? I mean, sure I'm a recovering alcoholic, but if God turned water into wine for me I'd get wasted." He then farted.
The police at the scene were cheered on as they clubbed Johnston about the head for a good 15 minutes with batons and eventually resorted to kicking him in the side. They then told him to regain consciousness immediately so he could be taken to prison, when he refused, they used a stun gun on him several times.
Through spokesman, the Reverend Al Sharpton, God showed his disapproval, "God is very displeased with this outburst, in a house of Him no less. Was it not Him who said, 'You will have no other Me's before Me?' Was it not Him who used a golden calf to show how gold has hypnotizing powers? Was it not Him who killed Bowser on the third level?! Wait a minute...where was I? Anyway, He's pissed."
After several minutes of confusion the crowd roared an approving, "AMEN BROTHER!"
In the meantime, Johnston awaits trial and is expected to receive four consecutive life sentences for being such a dirty hippy. As for God, he continues to rule with an iron fist striking down wives and mothers, fathers and sons, dogs and cats with reckless abandon. I guess the good thing about being King of the Universe is never having to apologize.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Crack Laced with Arsenic Kills When Taken Incorrectly
An unsuspecting innocent young man was killed yesterday when the crack he was smoking turned out to be laced with copious amounts of arsenic. He was visiting his local pusher and enjoying a little bit of "the good stuff" when he began to gag and realized that something was terribly wrong. Arsenic is a poison usually only used to poison megalomaniacal generals and dictators, "...arsenic has been called the Poison of Kings and the King of Poisons." (Wikipedia, Arsenic article), there have been no reported arsenic poisonings since Napoleon...that anyone cares about.
The young man's name cannot be divulged because he was 12, but good friends say he's been smoking for at least nine or ten years.
A friend of the boy's known only as "Bullet" said, "Yeah maybe I'm 37 and I shouldn't be hanging out with a 12 year old kid. Maybe I should quit smokin' crack. Maybe I should stop blowing dudes for quarters, maybe I shouldn't kill people on the street in broad daylight, but lets be real, that shit ain't gonna happen. [Censored] was a good kid, ain't that some shit, for a motherfucker to be sellin' poison crack, everybody always tells me to stop puttin' that poison in me. What my boy smoked was the fuckin' poison." Bullet then pulled out his dual gats clicked them together and proclaimed, "The hunt is on motherfuckers, I'm comin' for you!" As he was running across the street he was struck and killed by an SUV.
When I talked to the boy's dealer, Dikembe Mutumbo (no relation to the basketball player) he tried to play it cool saying, "Yeah I killed the motherfucker. He was eyein' my lady friend [$3 hooker]. I don't take that kinda shit from no midget...he was what?...he was 12? Sheeit, I thought he was just short, oops. Ain't nobody gonna miss that little crackhead anyway, he was in here ten, maybe fifteen times a week, couldn't believe his little heart kept up as long as it did."
When asked if he thought it would affect his business, Mutumbo answered, "Nah, crackheads don't read the damn news."
There you have it, a little boy, fighting a decade old crack addiction succumbs to arsenic poisoning. A story that grows slightly less tragic every time we hear it. There is a lesson to be learned here and that is, always have a crack dealer you can trust, some of those motherfuckers are shady.
The young man's name cannot be divulged because he was 12, but good friends say he's been smoking for at least nine or ten years.
A friend of the boy's known only as "Bullet" said, "Yeah maybe I'm 37 and I shouldn't be hanging out with a 12 year old kid. Maybe I should quit smokin' crack. Maybe I should stop blowing dudes for quarters, maybe I shouldn't kill people on the street in broad daylight, but lets be real, that shit ain't gonna happen. [Censored] was a good kid, ain't that some shit, for a motherfucker to be sellin' poison crack, everybody always tells me to stop puttin' that poison in me. What my boy smoked was the fuckin' poison." Bullet then pulled out his dual gats clicked them together and proclaimed, "The hunt is on motherfuckers, I'm comin' for you!" As he was running across the street he was struck and killed by an SUV.
When I talked to the boy's dealer, Dikembe Mutumbo (no relation to the basketball player) he tried to play it cool saying, "Yeah I killed the motherfucker. He was eyein' my lady friend [$3 hooker]. I don't take that kinda shit from no midget...he was what?...he was 12? Sheeit, I thought he was just short, oops. Ain't nobody gonna miss that little crackhead anyway, he was in here ten, maybe fifteen times a week, couldn't believe his little heart kept up as long as it did."
When asked if he thought it would affect his business, Mutumbo answered, "Nah, crackheads don't read the damn news."
There you have it, a little boy, fighting a decade old crack addiction succumbs to arsenic poisoning. A story that grows slightly less tragic every time we hear it. There is a lesson to be learned here and that is, always have a crack dealer you can trust, some of those motherfuckers are shady.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Bush's State of the Union Address Leaves President Exhausted and Unable to "Think Anymore" for Several Hours
President Bush gave his annual State of the Union Address yesterday and boy is his brain tired. He talked about several important issues including health care, education, climate change (or as he likes to call it "The Apocalypse"), and of course the war in Iraq, which is really more of a glorified king of the hill game now (wherein to become the king of the hill you have to kill the kid that's on top).
In terms of health care, Bush commented that in order to help ebb the tide of rising health care costs we as a nation would have to, "Band together like a giant rubber band, or some type of really long and tough rope that would stop us from falling apart." He went on to say how we, "need to remain a healthy country if we want to be able to fight more heathens in the future." And implored Americans to, "eat plenty of salads to counteract all the McDonalds food that makes you fly if you eat enough of it." Ronald McDonald then walked onto the stage and handed the president a sack with a "$" sign on it.
In a later interview, Ronald was quoted as saying, "He's right, our stuff's just like magic pixie dust, just slightly higher in calories."
On the education front Bush cemented his intentions of following up his "No Child Left Behind" program with a "No Child Left in Class" policy in which local schools would simply stop trying to teach children who aren't geniuses. About this policy he commented, "We only need the smartest and best looking boys and girls to go to school, the rest we can just throw into the army and send 'em to Iraq where we really need help."
One of the biggest issues in the coming year as far as Bush was concerned is the end of the world. The unseasonably warm winter has gotten him into a prophesying mood, he says the Rangnarok should be arriving in 8-10 months depending on the moon beams in Elysium. Whether or not Bush is actually certifiably insane remains to be seen, but he certainly seems to tread that ledge with a tightrope walker's skill doesn't he folks?
Last but not least on his agenda was Iraq. He went on for several hours about how the war on terror is just begining and we can't lose sight of what's important. I blacked out after a few minutes because of a condition I have where I can't listen to the same thing said by the same person more than 147 times within a six year span. When I came to he was talking about how sending 20,000 more troops to Iraq was going to help them keep order. He referred back to his education program to show exactly where these new recruits would come from.
The fact that he was giving the State of the Union address in front of a Democratically controlled congress did not seem to faze the President who looked out over the audience in the begining of his speech and said, "Looking out over this crowd I see a lot of new faces and new faces mean fresh new ideas. I don't want to give ya'll the impression that I'll listen to your ideas or [stifled laughter] implement them, but I appreciate that you have them because it makes it better to defy you when you have something you care about."
Bush concluded the address by saying, "I just want to say one more thing...for anyone who thinks they can mess with America, they can't and do you know why?....I said, DO YOU KNOW WHY???...Seriously I'm asking if you know why, I can't remember anymore."
That's the President for you, why do we need a thinker when we've got an actor? It worked for Reagan. Keep going with your gut Georgie, we need you now more than tomorrow.
For the Actual SOU Address click here
New Zealand Herald Article
8 Reactions from US citizens in BBC News
In terms of health care, Bush commented that in order to help ebb the tide of rising health care costs we as a nation would have to, "Band together like a giant rubber band, or some type of really long and tough rope that would stop us from falling apart." He went on to say how we, "need to remain a healthy country if we want to be able to fight more heathens in the future." And implored Americans to, "eat plenty of salads to counteract all the McDonalds food that makes you fly if you eat enough of it." Ronald McDonald then walked onto the stage and handed the president a sack with a "$" sign on it.
In a later interview, Ronald was quoted as saying, "He's right, our stuff's just like magic pixie dust, just slightly higher in calories."
On the education front Bush cemented his intentions of following up his "No Child Left Behind" program with a "No Child Left in Class" policy in which local schools would simply stop trying to teach children who aren't geniuses. About this policy he commented, "We only need the smartest and best looking boys and girls to go to school, the rest we can just throw into the army and send 'em to Iraq where we really need help."
One of the biggest issues in the coming year as far as Bush was concerned is the end of the world. The unseasonably warm winter has gotten him into a prophesying mood, he says the Rangnarok should be arriving in 8-10 months depending on the moon beams in Elysium. Whether or not Bush is actually certifiably insane remains to be seen, but he certainly seems to tread that ledge with a tightrope walker's skill doesn't he folks?
Last but not least on his agenda was Iraq. He went on for several hours about how the war on terror is just begining and we can't lose sight of what's important. I blacked out after a few minutes because of a condition I have where I can't listen to the same thing said by the same person more than 147 times within a six year span. When I came to he was talking about how sending 20,000 more troops to Iraq was going to help them keep order. He referred back to his education program to show exactly where these new recruits would come from.
The fact that he was giving the State of the Union address in front of a Democratically controlled congress did not seem to faze the President who looked out over the audience in the begining of his speech and said, "Looking out over this crowd I see a lot of new faces and new faces mean fresh new ideas. I don't want to give ya'll the impression that I'll listen to your ideas or [stifled laughter] implement them, but I appreciate that you have them because it makes it better to defy you when you have something you care about."
Bush concluded the address by saying, "I just want to say one more thing...for anyone who thinks they can mess with America, they can't and do you know why?....I said, DO YOU KNOW WHY???...Seriously I'm asking if you know why, I can't remember anymore."
That's the President for you, why do we need a thinker when we've got an actor? It worked for Reagan. Keep going with your gut Georgie, we need you now more than tomorrow.
For the Actual SOU Address click here
New Zealand Herald Article
8 Reactions from US citizens in BBC News
Monday, January 22, 2007
Vote Hillary: She Parties Hardy
Former first lady, Hillary Clinton announced recently that she will run for President in 2008. While this news was not shocking, several comments made by her were completely unexpected. A visibly drunk Clinton started out her first press conference by saying, "I just want everyone to know that my husband is not the only one who can get secretaries to fuck him, when I win the Presidency I'll have those whores taking it in a lot more uncomfortable places than the mouth." She went on to discuss exactly where and how hard they would be taking it.
Throughout the speech she would complain about being hot and remove an article of clothing. As she removed the clothes she would swing them around above her head and then toss them out into the crowd, to the audience's great dismay. Her stockings, she slingshotted a good 25 feet into the open mouth of Alec Baldwin, who was there to lend support to her cause. He then became visibly aroused. By the end she was wearing nothing but a bra and crotchless panties.
After her initial speech she took questions from the crowd. When asked how she could make such a mockery of the country at a time when it is so desperately in need of change, she took a swig from her handy hip flask, then answered, "I cuh care less abow the country's strugglesss, i juss wanna kiss you." To which the reporter replied, "No, you're fucking gross."
Several other questions were met with derision and later loud snoring. When she woke up, there was a 15 minute crying session in which she confessed to ruining her family's life and admitted that she really loved them, and everyone.
Soon after she puked into a potted plant that was on the stage, the secret service finally managed to pull her off when she tried to take a swing at a journalist for, "lookin at [her] funny." I think we could all learn something from this brave, crazy, ugly, crazy ugly woman: beer before liquor, you've never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you're in the clear. Vote party President, vote Hillary in 2008.
Throughout the speech she would complain about being hot and remove an article of clothing. As she removed the clothes she would swing them around above her head and then toss them out into the crowd, to the audience's great dismay. Her stockings, she slingshotted a good 25 feet into the open mouth of Alec Baldwin, who was there to lend support to her cause. He then became visibly aroused. By the end she was wearing nothing but a bra and crotchless panties.
After her initial speech she took questions from the crowd. When asked how she could make such a mockery of the country at a time when it is so desperately in need of change, she took a swig from her handy hip flask, then answered, "I cuh care less abow the country's strugglesss, i juss wanna kiss you." To which the reporter replied, "No, you're fucking gross."
Several other questions were met with derision and later loud snoring. When she woke up, there was a 15 minute crying session in which she confessed to ruining her family's life and admitted that she really loved them, and everyone.
Soon after she puked into a potted plant that was on the stage, the secret service finally managed to pull her off when she tried to take a swing at a journalist for, "lookin at [her] funny." I think we could all learn something from this brave, crazy, ugly, crazy ugly woman: beer before liquor, you've never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you're in the clear. Vote party President, vote Hillary in 2008.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Deaf, Dumb, Blind Kid: Sure Plays Mean Pinball
The special olympics has decided to add several new events to their already full schedule of games for the hardly-abled. They did this to create oppurtunities for those handicapped people who may be even less physically talented than the ones who already compete. New events include: pinball, dressing themselves, staring contests, rock-paper-scissors, and doing a math problem.
Organizers have said that the added events will probably tack another day onto the schedule, leaving parents and caretakers even more miserable afterwards.
We got an exclusive interview with the favorite in this year's pinball event, Eric Shun, a deaf, mute, blind man with his hopes and dreams riding on this tournament. Through an interpreter he said, "You've really just got to feel the balls, when you can't see or hear it makes pinball difficult, but sometimes you have to battle through those difficulties, I've been doing it all my life." When asked if he thought he'd win he said, "Sometimes you can never tell, all of my orifices are tough and I don't know if I can shoot them with a rifle," the interpreter added, "or something like that."
I asked if I could see him play and wow, is he bad. He kinda just shoots the ball and whacks away on the flippers. I'm pretty sure I could beat him, I don't know about eyes closed though.
In the staring contest event, the favorite is Mike "No-Lids" McGee, who has no eyelids. And in doing a math problem, the perennial favorite in events like this around the world, Stephen Hawking is expected to win handily. All of the events should be exciting. Almost as good as that day I spent watching paint dry, or the fabled week of the great grass grow watch. Either way, I'd like to wish all of the contestants good luck and let them know that though they may not be normal people, they can compete against each other for our amusement, which is even more fun...for me.
Organizers have said that the added events will probably tack another day onto the schedule, leaving parents and caretakers even more miserable afterwards.
We got an exclusive interview with the favorite in this year's pinball event, Eric Shun, a deaf, mute, blind man with his hopes and dreams riding on this tournament. Through an interpreter he said, "You've really just got to feel the balls, when you can't see or hear it makes pinball difficult, but sometimes you have to battle through those difficulties, I've been doing it all my life." When asked if he thought he'd win he said, "Sometimes you can never tell, all of my orifices are tough and I don't know if I can shoot them with a rifle," the interpreter added, "or something like that."
I asked if I could see him play and wow, is he bad. He kinda just shoots the ball and whacks away on the flippers. I'm pretty sure I could beat him, I don't know about eyes closed though.
In the staring contest event, the favorite is Mike "No-Lids" McGee, who has no eyelids. And in doing a math problem, the perennial favorite in events like this around the world, Stephen Hawking is expected to win handily. All of the events should be exciting. Almost as good as that day I spent watching paint dry, or the fabled week of the great grass grow watch. Either way, I'd like to wish all of the contestants good luck and let them know that though they may not be normal people, they can compete against each other for our amusement, which is even more fun...for me.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Man Claims Ghost Raped Him, Wife says He's Just Gay
A local man claimed yesterday that ghosts in his house have periodically been raping him in his sleep for the last three years. He says the reason he finally came out about the incident was that his wife noticed that he was having trouble sitting down and asked what was wrong. So he told her the story of how the spirits of past owners have been coming to him for years and butt raping him while he slept.
In an interview the man said, "My wife didn't believe me, she thinks I've been going to the gay bar down the street, so I told her, 'If you don't believe me I'll call the paper and tell the same story to the world, I'm not ashamed!'"
The wife gave her testimony, "He was always a little queer, not flaming or anything, but you could tell the tendencies were there. I didn't think he was acting on them, but they were there. This whole ghost story is a load of horse shit, I saw him the other night come out of a gay club downtown. I know what he's been up to, getting sodomized, our marriage is a sham." She cried for quite a while after that.
The owner of the local gay club, "The Back Door" gave us the cold shoulder when we asked about the incident and if there were any gay ghosts who might frequent their establishment, "We don't discuss our customer base and....wait, did you just say ghosts? What are you a wise ass? Get the hell outta here before I call the cops."
No other ghost rapings have yet been reported in the area, but we will keep you informed on this dangerous and unsettling news. We have no reports as to whether sleeping on your back will help prevent any attacks because the attacker may not be corporeal and could come up through the bed. Please report any strange supernatural behavior to the police immediately, they are working closely with the ghostbusters on this case to bring it to a close as quickly and efficiently as possible.
In an interview the man said, "My wife didn't believe me, she thinks I've been going to the gay bar down the street, so I told her, 'If you don't believe me I'll call the paper and tell the same story to the world, I'm not ashamed!'"
The wife gave her testimony, "He was always a little queer, not flaming or anything, but you could tell the tendencies were there. I didn't think he was acting on them, but they were there. This whole ghost story is a load of horse shit, I saw him the other night come out of a gay club downtown. I know what he's been up to, getting sodomized, our marriage is a sham." She cried for quite a while after that.
The owner of the local gay club, "The Back Door" gave us the cold shoulder when we asked about the incident and if there were any gay ghosts who might frequent their establishment, "We don't discuss our customer base and....wait, did you just say ghosts? What are you a wise ass? Get the hell outta here before I call the cops."
No other ghost rapings have yet been reported in the area, but we will keep you informed on this dangerous and unsettling news. We have no reports as to whether sleeping on your back will help prevent any attacks because the attacker may not be corporeal and could come up through the bed. Please report any strange supernatural behavior to the police immediately, they are working closely with the ghostbusters on this case to bring it to a close as quickly and efficiently as possible.
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