Bush's State of the Union Address Leaves President Exhausted and Unable to "Think Anymore" for Several Hours

President Bush gave his annual State of the Union Address yesterday and boy is his brain tired. He talked about several important issues including health care, education, climate change (or as he likes to call it "The Apocalypse"), and of course the war in Iraq, which is really more of a glorified king of the hill game now (wherein to become the king of the hill you have to kill the kid that's on top).

In terms of health care, Bush commented that in order to help ebb the tide of rising health care costs we as a nation would have to, "Band together like a giant rubber band, or some type of really long and tough rope that would stop us from falling apart." He went on to say how we, "need to remain a healthy country if we want to be able to fight more heathens in the future." And implored Americans to, "eat plenty of salads to counteract all the McDonalds food that makes you fly if you eat enough of it." Ronald McDonald then walked onto the stage and handed the president a sack with a "$" sign on it.

In a later interview, Ronald was quoted as saying, "He's right, our stuff's just like magic pixie dust, just slightly higher in calories."

On the education front Bush cemented his intentions of following up his "No Child Left Behind" program with a "No Child Left in Class" policy in which local schools would simply stop trying to teach children who aren't geniuses. About this policy he commented, "We only need the smartest and best looking boys and girls to go to school, the rest we can just throw into the army and send 'em to Iraq where we really need help."

One of the biggest issues in the coming year as far as Bush was concerned is the end of the world. The unseasonably warm winter has gotten him into a prophesying mood, he says the Rangnarok should be arriving in 8-10 months depending on the moon beams in Elysium. Whether or not Bush is actually certifiably insane remains to be seen, but he certainly seems to tread that ledge with a tightrope walker's skill doesn't he folks?

Last but not least on his agenda was Iraq. He went on for several hours about how the war on terror is just begining and we can't lose sight of what's important. I blacked out after a few minutes because of a condition I have where I can't listen to the same thing said by the same person more than 147 times within a six year span. When I came to he was talking about how sending 20,000 more troops to Iraq was going to help them keep order. He referred back to his education program to show exactly where these new recruits would come from.

The fact that he was giving the State of the Union address in front of a Democratically controlled congress did not seem to faze the President who looked out over the audience in the begining of his speech and said, "Looking out over this crowd I see a lot of new faces and new faces mean fresh new ideas. I don't want to give ya'll the impression that I'll listen to your ideas or [stifled laughter] implement them, but I appreciate that you have them because it makes it better to defy you when you have something you care about."

Bush concluded the address by saying, "I just want to say one more thing...for anyone who thinks they can mess with America, they can't and do you know why?....I said, DO YOU KNOW WHY???...Seriously I'm asking if you know why, I can't remember anymore."

That's the President for you, why do we need a thinker when we've got an actor? It worked for Reagan. Keep going with your gut Georgie, we need you now more than tomorrow.


For the Actual SOU Address click here
New Zealand Herald Article
8 Reactions from US citizens in BBC News

President Bush sends aid to Katrina victims

Originally posted: September 11, 2005


President Bush sent the homeless and helpless citizens of Hurricane Katrina a large giftwrapped box earlier today. The box had a note on it that said, help has arrived. It took three malnourished homeless men to open the box but when they did their eyes lit up! It turned out to be a bomb that was ticking down its last three seconds. BOOM! Oh what a spectacle it was so bright and beautiful, of course it killed everyone left in the city. But watching from Texas the sky lit up more gorgeously than on the Fourth of July, which in Texas is also a time of blowing people up.

Bush later held a press conference saying that it was easier and more economically feasible to deal with a city full of dead people as opposed to just killing them one by one. He also said that he was the Yertle to New Orleans' Turtle and he knows what they're going through is hard but they are in a happier place now, with God and His Son Jesus Christ. He went on to say, "Hurricane Katrina is one of the worst hurricanes to ever hurricane its way up. The hurricane got up to very hurricanely speeds and hurricaned the crap out of this previously hurricaneless city."

Hurricane Katrina was a horrible disaster but when New Orleans gets cleaned up rest assured that Mardi Gras will be bigger and better than ever. With less homeless people.

President teaches English, Satan sips Peppermint Tea

Originally posted: August 5, 2005

In a continuously breaking story, President Bush has decided to step down from office, following his Vice President's advice in becoming an English teacher.

"Vice President Cheney has never steered me wrong before and I think this is a big step on the road to yieldless steadity in the educational system," the now ex-President was heard to say. He continued, "In my term as English teacher of Lincoln High, I will teach these kids unmercilessly! They will know the fear and glory of being in the presence of one of God's true servants. I plan on being tough but loving with these kids. I mean sure I'll kick someone out of the class for not knowing how to spell 'phlegm,' but I'll send them a fruit basket afterwise you can count your chickens on that."

The Vice President refused to comment, but me being the enterprising reporter that I am was listening intently outside his door when he was heard to say, "I guess we don't have to kill him for me to be President after all," well put Mr. VP.

In the aftermath of these happenings the grounds in front of the White House cracked open and issued forth great amounts of brimstone and other fiery objects. This caused quite a stir with security until they realized it was just Satan, joining the new President for some afternoon tea. The Dark Lord was also unavailable for comment, he did damn my cameraman to everlasting hell though, so anyone wanting the job should contact me about it ASAP.

More news of the ex-President, and how he is doing at his new school, will be issued as it becomes available. Although he is a world renowned Englishist, we'll see how well he crosses his i's and dots his t's when he's got to contend with a class full of rowdy kids who are all quite certain that they are better at English talking than him. For my heroes George W., Dick Cheney, and Satan, this is the man, the myth, the legend, God himself signing out. Me bless George Bush.