Blog Writers Demoralized by Falling Interest in Their Lives

Originally posted: May 3, 2006


Bloggers across the nation are depressed and lonely because of a lack of interest in their personal lives. While they were under the impression that most people cared that they were having boy problems, or that their cat did the funniest thing today, it turns out that no one really does. Oddly enough people still seem to care who's going out with Jennifer Lopez (not me or I would've looked it up and told you in these parentheses).

One blogger who must remain nameless because she's 15 said, "I don't understand it! I almost went all the way with Jeremy the other day, like we were rounding third and then I was just like no I can't do this and he was like come on baby and I was like I just can't but I'll help you finish if you want so then I helped him finish with my hand, and I only got five hits on my blog article about it. I thought that kind of sexy stuff made headlines. I don't think its that people don't care....they just don't know, so that's why I'm advertising my intimate sexual experiences in as many places as I can."

She later told me she was going to write in her blog all about how she got interviewed today. I can't wait!

In a piece of related news 500 underage girls were sexually assaulted today by people they met on myspace. The parents of these children banded together to complain about the popular website. The Parents Against Pedophiles (PAP) smear campaign began early last night, where they protested outside official myspace headquarters. They say they will be making demands that websites keep a strict standard of decency and protection for their use and any site that fails these PAP tests will be considered a cancer on society.

The timer for my cookies just went off. See you next time.

Local Kids Find Out: Drugs Can Be Bad

Originally Posted: July 26, 2005

A group of Somerset County teenagers decided that drugs were indeed "not cool" two nights ago when a friend of theirs began yelling and insisting that, "It's the apocalypse run for your fucking lives. Oh god, oh god, oh god."

The teen in question then leaped through the window and was heard to scream, "Oh shit!" just before his right leg and femur broke in at least four places and he passed out.

Following this incident the rest of the crew reportedly, "had a bad trip."

The police were called by a neighbor who heard the screams. When Officer Smith got there he found the boy sprawled out on the black top moaning something about the caterpillar in "Alice in Wonderland."

The officer then went inside to find six of the teens alleged friends allegedly, "freakin out man."

The teens were questioned, but of no help to the officer at the time.

This reporter got an interview with two of them after they were released from custody. Since they are under 18, I cannot divulge their real names. In the tradition of Dr. Seuss, of whom I am quite fond, I will call them Thing 1 and Thing 2.

"Everything was going great until that piece of shit started going ape shit," said Thing 1.
Thing 2 agreed, "All he had to do was chill out but no, he jumps out the fucking window. We were in the middle of trying to figure out what to do with his body...I mean with him when the cops came. We were gonna call them, I swear."

When asked if they would ever take the magic mushrooms again, the answer was a resounding no.

"Its all weed and booze from here on out," declared Thing 1.

"I still really wanna try acid," chimed in Thing 2.

"Yeah me too," Thing 1 agreed.

Me too fellas, me too. Keep on trucking.