New Law to Ban Smoking in Thought

Originally posted: February 28, 2006


Congress recently passed a bill that bans even thinking about smoking. Coming on the heels of a law that prohibits New Jersey residents from smoking in buildings, a unanimous vote passed the decision to disallow all US citizens from even thinking about smoking. The new law calls for a fourth branch of government, which is for now being called "the thought police."

The new law goes into effect on June 1st and states that anyone caught day dreaming, reminiscing, or being curious about smoking will be executed by firing squad in front of their family. In the event that they don't have a family, the accused would simply be anally raped before and after being shot. Dick Cheney himself will be the one with the bullet in his gun and as everyone knows, his aim is spot on, especially if aiming for the head/neck/chest area.

He had this to say, "Optimally, for those with no family, they will still be alive for most of the anal rape after they are shot. And just before they die, we force them to apologize. This will all take place on national television, which no mass humiliation would be complete without."

So for all you smokers out there, three months left and then you'll be eating Big Brother's lead. Look at it this way, instead of a slow agonizing death from cancer it will be a quick agonizing death from Dick Cheney with a shotgun, that old guy in his quail hunting party didn't seem to mind...but then, you won't be making a full recovery.

Overzealous Cop Killed by Stunned SUV Driver

Originally posted: August 1, 2005

An overzealous undercover police officer was killed in the line of duty today. Allegedly he was trying to stop a lawbreaking motorist on the highway and was struck by an SUV.

We interviewed the motorist in question.

"Yeah I'm driving along the highway, going the speed limit, smoking a butt. I finish and toss it out the window and all of a sudden this blue car blows by me on the right. He goes about forty yards down the road, gets in my lane, throws on his e-brake and cuts the wheel real sharp to the left. Smoke is flying everywhere, this guy is right in the middle of my goddamn lane. By the time I get over what just happened its way too late to stop, so I just went around him and kept going. I guess the guy behind me didn't get over that shit in time cuz they smashed up real good. What kind of cop does that?"

Fellow officers voiced their opinions too, "Yeah, Jonesy really hated littering. I could see him doing some crazy shit like that," one said.

"He didn't much care about the rules, he liked to think of himself as a vigilante," offered another.

We also talked briefly to Officer Jones' father, "The kid was an idiot when he was born and he was an idiot when he died, that's all there is to it. Now if you'll excuse me, Matlock is on."

As a follow up to any who were wondering, Matlock won his court case that day. Oh Mr. Matlock, you are very good indeed.