Abominable Snowman Comes to Town, Yeti Can't Leave (Get It?)

The Abominable Snowman was found wandering the streets of New Jersey early this morning seemingly confused and unsure of whether or not he should be heading back to his summer home in the arctic. Several animal control teams were dispatched to subdue the creature, but he escaped into a snow bank and blended in to his surroundings.

Several hours later he was spotted again and captured with a large net.

When questioned about why he was in the area he replied, "URGHHH, UGHH, RACHHHHHE, ahem, I was enjoying my vacation here, when suddenly all of these goons with nets and stun guns came after me. I'm not sure if this is how you treat your tourists in New Jersey but I'm never coming back again."

Coincidentally, it is exactly how New Jersey tourists are treated.

Mr. Snowman is being detained in a holding cell under the authority of Homeland Security while they decide whether or not he is a terrorist threat. He will be kept for further questioning until the end of the day when he will leave on flight #458 to Alaska where he will continue his trek home on foot through parts of Canada and eventually return back to the North Pole.

He seemed none too happy about the fact that he would be forced to postpone a luncheon with Santa Claus and told authorities that they would be hearing from his lawyer.

Some locals who witnessed the daring capture chimed in with their own opinions.

One man said, "These damn foreigners are all alike, come into our country and think they can walk around with impunity, I say he got what he deserved. Imagine if I just went to England or France and walked around their streets acting like I should be able to wander without being harassed by them. What's gotten into tourists these days?"

Others were more accepting, such as a prostitute who saw him earlier in the day, "He's just a big, hairy guy checking out the sites. Who cares if he wants to spend a little money in our neck of the woods. Its probably the best customer I've had in ages and my god was he packing heat. He nearly cut me in two. Why can't more men be like mythical beasts?"

In this age of racial equality, it is a real eye opener to see that there is still much prejudice in the world. If a common street whore can see that not all hairy arctic dwellers are terrorists, then the authorities should be able to understand the same.

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Informant to Kill You, Your Family

Due to the incredible volume of hate mail we have received (one vocal berating), the informant was forced to temporarily close its doors and stop its presses in order to process the pure disgust that it has brought about in a person and rethink its policies. In doing so we have come up with several new ideas that we think will make this blog a better place to visit and read.

1) We will stop caring what other people think.

2) We will eat the soul of anyone who tries to stop us from taking over the world.
3) We will accept large donations as long as they are not, "of poop."
4) We will kill you and your family for chuckles.
5) Die, die, die, die, die.

Thank you for your interest and keep reading, it gets funnier, I think.

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Stromboli Used to Bludgeon Restaurant Owner

A pizza shop owner was beaten to death with a Stromboli today while trying to get the most out of his workers. The owner, one Luigi Calamari, told his delivery driver that he'd need him to work again at night after a long shift in heavy snows. The driver, Richard Shuler then picked up the nearest thing he could find, a piping hot Stromboli and began beating the owner about the face and chest with it.



Though the brutal thrashing took nearly 1 and a half hours to complete, no one called the cops or even complained. Two workers in the back, Emanuel Lopez and Esteban Gomez stood by and watched the whole thing, allegedly with smiles on their faces. They then picked up the exhausted Shuler and carried him around singing something presumably Mexican and celebratory.



From prison Shuler seemed contrite saying, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to kill him, only to make him stop being such an asshole. I wish I could have just put him in a hospital for the rest of his life so he could suffer for years and have a shell of an existence."



The business will be picked up by Calamari's twin, Giorgio, who is identical in every way except possibly more evil. It is suspected that Giorgio will be abducting little boys and terrorizing employees in no time.



The maximum penalty for murder of a restaurant owner is five days.



A local judge, when asked why it was such a short incarceration said, "Because they are all worthless bastards who don't deserve real justice," he went on to say, "Especially the Italian ones."



It is unknown whether Shuler will continue to work at the restaurant, but it is expected that he will not, though the Mexican workers in the back have erected a shrine made of pizza dough to honor their triumphant hero.

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Getting Smack without Getting Stabbed

Due to the recent wave of local knife stabbings, people have become uneasy about buying their heroine in the area. While several addicts report a lower incidence of stabbings happen when the purchaser actually has the money to pay his (or her) "motherfuckin dealer," many are still not convinced that they are safe.



There are several ways to make buying drugs safer.



One way is to use the buddy system. Don't go into your local crack house alone, that makes you look like an easy target for a pleasurable murder. Instead, bring a friend with you to your place of shady, dangerous dealings so you can both experience the terror of not knowing if you'll come back out alive.



Another method is to bring a gun. This method is slightly less preferred because it can very easily cause escalation in which you will be shot several hundred times by many of the area's all star dealers. They may not be very smart but they will shoot you in the face with a gat.



If neither of those ideas sound like a good plan, or won't work, try learning the ancient art of ninjitsu. Then go dressed as a ninja and demand your heroin. It is a well known fact that drug dealers are terrified of ninjas and will obey those who know the mystical teachings without question. When you have procured the smack do a ninja vanish, this will leave them disoriented and in most instances unable to remember what just happened.



If you're a woman, wearing skimpy clothing will get you out alive, but most likely not the same. Instance of rape goes up about 4 million percent from outside to inside a crack house. So remember ladies, dress like a dude unless you like multiple forced penetration and sticky hair.



There are several ways to get around a stabbing, but the most important thing to remember is never run into a place screaming, "ITS THE COPS EVERYBODY RUN, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, GET THE FUCK OUT!!!! I'LL HOLD 'EM OFF FOR AS LONG AS I CAN," then steal their shit. I tried it once...shot twice through the leg...not a good feeling.



Whether you try these methods or develop your own remember, drugs are addictive, but so is...I can't remember, I'm way too high.

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Avian Flew...(South)...(Maybe)...(In the Future)...(Shut up)

With the cold of the winter upon us, many local birds aren't sure whether to go south for the next three weeks or just wait it out. Many of the birds stuck around through the incredibly mild winter and now just can't decide if they should leave the nest for the yearly trip to warmer climates.



We interviewed a goose family, who, through an interpreter*, seemed polarized on the subject. Father goose said, "Well, I'm getting old and its only like 2 or 3 more weeks of the cold and then it starts warming up again, we'd have to come back as soon as we got there. Going south is expensive, especially since we've had kids."



Baby goose was of a different mind saying, "Mom and dad promised we could go to Disney World and poop on people this year, they always promise us something and then we don't do it. We were supposed to poop on people's heads at Mardi Gras in 2005 but did that happen? Nooooo."



Whether or not these geese do decide to fly home, one thing is for certain, they won't have an easy time doing it. There are more airplanes in the air now than ever before and birds flying into the engines of them have accounted for more bird deaths in the last two years than bird flu and crossing the street combined**.



Whatever these birds decide to do, its a rough road for such a small payoff, if I were them I think I'd just drive south, but I guess you need hands for that. Oh well...fuck 'em.













*- Imaginative intern who made a bunch of stuff up.

**- Not a real statistic.

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Location Changes, Informant Stays on its Game

Its been a strange few days at the Informant, what with terrorists taking over the building and whatnot. We have all been supplanted to a temporary cardboard box in which we will create our works of social uplift for the next few weeks, not the best working environment, I know. But, the show must go on.



A local bum who lives next door to my cubicle asked me for some change today, I told him I had no change. He knew that I was lying by the change jingle that he heard emanating from my pocket. When I said I needed it for coffee from the local Starbucks he became angry and demanded that he was starving. I think we all know that bums only use money for booze, and I don't support that.



He proceeded to yell at me for not understanding what it was like to live on the street, "Sure you work here," he said, "but living in a box, that's a whole different ball game. When you can't sleep without worrying about somebody murdering you, that doesn't help you to live. I like blue things but sometimes blue just ain't my color you know?"



I feel so bad for this guy, I think maybe I'll help him out by murdering him in his sleep then tossing the body into a nearby river.



In other news, the secretary has a banana on his head, we have been discussing whether or not to tell him, but he's ugly so we'll probably all just laugh at him for a while until he notices...



This alley has great real estate potential and its a buyer's market in here. About 20 cubic feet of space make it plenty for an office or bum home and the prices are very reasonable, get shanked once and live and its all yours, they don't bother you much after that. Speaking of which I think I'd better visit the hospital at the end of the day, I'm getting kind of dizzy from all the blood I'...m....loseuwfhirr

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True Americans Kill Themselves for the Cause

A local newspaper was overrun by Islamic fundamentalists today...........



We call on all pure blooded Americans to throw themselves from the top of tall buildings and bomb their own houses. If you are not a true American you will resist doing these things. When you die you will go to a burning pit of fire and anguish, this is to be your reward.



If you wish to become a true Muslim believer, too bad. Approach this building and you will be shot on site unless you appear Middle Eastern, in which case, welcome to the cause brother.



American industry has destroyed the delicate balance of power in the world and it must be set right. Kill your neighbors and then yourselves to create a utopia, Muhammad will thank you for it.



Jihad is the only true answer to the worlds problems. Osama Bin Laden forever!!!



Capitalist dogs must surrender or face the wrath of car bombs and hand grenades. The American pigs must die in painful and agonizing ways.



Your women will be kept for raping and slaving. They will grow to love their new life, just as our women do, or we will shoot them in the face. We might even do that anyway.



There will be no tomorrow.



Tomorrow's Top Headline: Local Newspaper Explodes.

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